Taking Root

It Still Hurts

2011-09-06T17:15:00.003-06:00

It's been about 3 months since everything came to a screeching halt. My life, my love, my plans for the future - all ripped out of my hands in one fell swoop. Looking back on those first few days, I feel my eyes fill with tears and my shoulders tense in anticipation of ever feeling that way again. Even now I can't stand to think of what I became. What I am.

It's true, it eventually got a little easier. I eventually stopped crying myself to sleep and the nightmares stopped jolting me awake after the second month. But I still grieve and I'm not sure how to stop. I still wake up and reach for him - God, I hate that. I wake up and immediately my body seeks his - it's instinct, you see. A heartbreaking instinct that I chastise myself for daily. But there it is.

Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I go hours without thinking of him - I love those hours with everything in me. I think it's safe to say I live for them. And then there's days where I force myself out of bed and into the shower and I go through the motions in hopes that soon they'll come naturally and my life will take shape again. I have less days like that now. Thankfully.

In retrospect, this was probably the second time I've ever truly been in love. I've only felt pain like this once before and I swore that I'd never let it happen again. Childish vows that mean nothing in the wake of a relationship so real and consuming that I can hardly breathe when I think of it.

He called me recently. There was no number on the caller ID to warn me not to, so I picked it up. His voice - every syllable and inflection - I knew it. It resonated with me and his words hit me like a brick to my chest, "I miss you." How unfair that he is able to rob me of my progress with those 3 simple words. Loaded as they are, I wish they had less power over me. I had the same reaction I always do, "Please, don't call me. Let me move on." Maybe he heard the tears come rushing or maybe he felt sorry for me as my tone was more begging than commanding, but I haven't heard from him since.

I can sit here now and close my eyes and I still see him in his essence - all the rage and power and manipulation and grief ... and I can smell his cologne and feel his skin and hear his voice. Those memories have only become clearer over time. Recalling him stuns my senses but I guess that helps me process how I feel. This is how I know it happened.

This is how I know it was real.

It hurts so fucking bad because I loved him and I was all-in, for once in my life. And while that knowledge may not vindicate me, it validates every sleepless night and every broken piece of my heart. I grieve because it happened and my grief is what keeps me from taking him back.

People who truly love you wouldn't make you feel so desperately broken.

Rage

2011-06-08T12:10:00.002-06:00

Dear ******,

I’ll probably never send this letter … but I need to write it just to get my feelings on paper. I think I need to write it to convince myself that even if you did read it, nothing would change and I’d still be sitting here feeling broken and empty and so exhausted that even breathing is a strenuous task.

When I met you, everything changed. You were complicated and funny and so full of life that it intimidated me. It was so easy to fall in love with you. I was completely taken with you – with how passionate and unpredictable you were. I couldn’t read you or anticipate your next move – you were a complete mystery to me. And I loved that. You were the first guy I’d ever been with that I couldn’t control.

8 months later I’m sitting at work in yesterday’s makeup wondering how I let it get this bad. After 8 short months, I’m a shell of a person. I feel like I am literally DEAD inside. I’m broken.

You broke me.

I swore I would never let a man make me feel this way ever again and yet … here I am. As much as I would love to blame you for everything I’m feeling right now, I know that I played a part. I let it go too far – I let this happen. The girls warned me, your exes warned me, hell some of your own family warned me. I don’t know what I expected – did I really delude myself into thinking you’d change? Did I really think I was enough of a reason for you to get the help you need?

You need help, ******. You’ve screamed at me, thrown things at me, pushed me, held me down, called me names, mocked me, forced me out of my own house, stolen my car, stolen my money, manipulated me … and threatened my life. You threatened to kill me. You say you love me and you threatened to kill me.

I’ve lived in fear for much of our relationship. I’ve walked on eggshells every day for the past couple months. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times that I’ve lost count. I’ve made countless exceptions and excuses for your abusive, jealous, controlling behavior that I actually started to believe some of them myself. I’ve become the kind of woman I pity.

This isn’t me. I am no longer the girl you fell in love with. That spark and life has been drained out of me and now I’m angry, bitter, jealous, and incapable of trusting you or myself. And that breaks my fucking heart. I grieve my personal loss of self more than I grieve the loss of our relationship. Before you … I loved myself.

I’ll get back to that place some day. I’ll be capable of trust and love and joy again. But for right now, my spirit, my heart, my will – they’re all broken. And for that, I fucking hate you.

Jen

Since When?

2010-01-26T14:46:00.002-06:00

***

Since when are you not worth more than this? I'm sure this post will make you a little angry and probably more than a little annoyed, but come on, someone has to say it.

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

For every girl who allows herself to be treated like a booty call - HEAR THIS:

The right guy for you will WANT to be with you - he'll call, he'll text, he'll e-mail, he'll spell it out in alpha-bits, or use a sky-writing plane if he has to! A guy who truly wants to be with you will spend his time making sure that's possible. If he only contacts you for sex, romantic companionship, or intimacy that on ANY level exceeds that of a healthy friendship - he's using you.

Now, please note: "using" someone doesn't always take a malicious form. Sometimes he just really needs that closeness - someone to be near to him for emotional support or any number of other things. Sometimes he's not an asshole - and yes, sometimes he doesn't even realize he's doing it. HOWEVER, sometimes he's just using you and unfortunately, sometimes he's doing it on purpose.

Why, why, why would you allow yourself to engage in such a dysfunctional relationship? You deserve better. Don't be his shoulder to cry on, his fall-back date, his safety net so that he can escape feeling lonely or horny or uncomfortable in any way. Don't do it.

Stop trying to convince him that you're "chill enough" to just be friends.

Stop trying to convince yourself that that's what you really want.
Stop trying to convince your friends that they just don't understand, that you know him better than they do.

Here's some advice - and I promise, I've tested it personally so please learn from my pain:

If you have to hide it, you shouldn't be doing it. If you can't introduce him to your friends and family, you shouldn't be with him. If he doesn't want to be involved in the aspects of your life that are most important to you, get out and do it fast. If you have to use the sentence "Well, he's just really confused/overwhelmed/scared of commitment/stressed etc" to explain or justify why he won't call you his girlfriend and treat you as such, MOVE ON.

And let me just say (also from experience): if your "relationship" revolves solely around sex (in ANY FORM) with some good conversation thrown in between trysts, you are a BOOTY CALL (also known as a holla back girl). If he's afraid of commitment but is fully committed to getting into your pants, I hate to be the one to tell you, you've given him permission to treat you like his own personal dial-a-lay.

Don't settle for the temporary satisfaction of physical contact. If you want more and he doesn't, don't sit around and wait for him to wake up and realize you're incredible and beautiful and he'd be a fool to let you go. Don't get me wrong - all of that is true. But the real truth is, if he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he'd ask. He wouldn't just give you permission to call yourself that because it makes you feel good.

If this hurts you, I'm sorry. But, it should sting a little because you know it's true. I've been where you are - I've allowed guys to treat me like a door-mat and only call me when they find that their "needs" aren't being met. Trust me - BELIEVE ME - I know that facing those feelings of rejection and loneliness can be daunting and sometimes you'd rather keep pretending that you and he are "together" and one day he'll realize it. But you're not together - you're being strung along.

He doesn't love you. He's using you. Stop giving him permission to treat you like a booty call.

This is not who you are.

Un Inviting

2009-10-17T02:20:00.002-06:00

University is making me anti-social. I'm downright RUDE to people who try to talk to me or sit near me. Whenever someone tries to talk to me, I have to admit, I just shake my head until they give up. What am I supposed to say? "Thanks for your time but the idea of taking you on in my life makes me want to light myself on fire"? I don't like small talk, I don't like introductions - I just want to sit in class, take notes and leave.

I like my own row. I like to be on the end, at the back, near the door. Yeah, I'm THAT kid. I don't sit there with my hood up and a scowl on my face but just try to start a conversation and I'll turn into a sullen teenager so fast your head will spin.

Don't get me wrong, I've made some lovely friends at University. IN THE PAST. Now that I have those friends, I'm done. I'm through collecting strangers from my classes. I don't have time to nurture any new relationships and I certainly don't have the patience to take notes for a 19 year old who got too "bombed" to come to class and is relying on me to catch her up. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

It's a battlefield out there, kids, and it's every man for himself. This isn't the army - don't kid yourself - I'll leave you behind in a heartbeat.

I Wish I Could Save You

2009-10-13T01:59:00.004-06:00

I have no idea how to start this entry ... so I'm just going to start typing and we'll see what has been poured out when I run out of time/energy/ideas.

Recently ... I took a chance. Fuelled by good intentions and the nudging of the Holy Spirit, I embarked on a journey to help a stranger and unfortunately, the journey came to a screeching halt (far sooner than I could have imagined) with some fairly significant consequences. I don't know what to do with what's left over. The energy and passion that was necessary to launch myself into this situation is now sitting, unused, in my bones and I haven't the faintest idea of what comes next. There was nothing I could have done - the choice wasn't mine to make - but now that it's been made, I'm admittedly quite lost.

What do you do when you throw yourself, head first, into an opportunity to help someone and it crumbles before it even starts? What do you do with the residue? The disappointment? The nagging worry that there was something more that could have been done - that the limitation lies with you?

I find myself over-analyzing. That's how I'm using the extra energy I have. And honestly, I think that's because I'm too scared to try again. I know this is aggravatingly vague and I'm desperately trying to be as general as possible without glazing over this issue of the heart -- but please understand, this isn't my story to tell. So all I can share with you is my very small part in a very large story.

I can't keep going over every detail, picking apart every word I said, every gesture that I made - I can't keep frantically searching for a way to blame myself. But, what if it happens again? What if I let a piece of someone's journey affect me and move me and wind up with ... confusion and unfinished sentences and regret?

Should've. Could've. Would've. Didn't. Couldn't. Can't.

I'm so exhausted from shrugging in helplessness and my throat hurts from trying to find the words ...

This is hard. And it hurts. And I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to let it go and move on - I don't know how to leave all of my questions unanswered. I don't know how to go back to the way things were before I was certain that I was making all the right decisions.

How do I acknowledge the disappointment without becoming angry and bitter? Because, friends, I'm afraid that acknowledging the reality and the pain of what happened will push me too far, too deep, too soon ... and what if I can't find my way back? I can't become that angry, cynical person again.

In Which I Cry

2009-08-05T10:54:00.003-06:00

**If you are one of the families that has welcomed me in like a daughter, I can't thank you enough. Please don't take this post the wrong way - your love and support has meant the world to me. You are my family **

I miss my Dad. Just typing those 4 words causes my eyes to fill with tears and a lump to form in my throat. I don't usually admit that sort of thing (especially for 200+ people to see) but I'm really hoping that by getting it out there, I'll find a little peace. My Dad used to be my hero - so much so that when he came home from work at the end of every day, he'd burst through the front door and holler "Super Dad!!" That's how I knew he was home - that's how I knew he was close. We'd watch t.v. together and every once in a while I'd lean over and rest my head on his shoulder and he'd kiss my forehead.

Despite his best efforts, I was never embarrassed to introduce him to my friends. He was a "cool Dad", one who understood the importance of noticing a new hairstyle or complimenting an outfit; I was told that he was proud of me and that I was beautiful every single day. He was great with my friend's parents too and always made a conscious effort to remember their names should he run into them again.

When meeting any boy in my life he was always reassuring and funny - telling them to "take a deep breath" if they were nervous and poking fun at me to break the ice. I don't know of one single person who has met my Dad and come away with something negative to say. He's the king of First Impressions and unfailingly engaging; he's the one who taught me how to quickly and subtly find a common ground with any stranger to win them over or put them at ease (a tactic that has secured me many jobs and turned acquaintances into friends).

Today, I'm heart-broken to say, I barely know my Dad. Circumstances beyond my control have forced us apart and transformed such a beautiful relationship into a vague familiarity. I hardly ever see him and I can't remember the last time we talked on the phone. I tell myself that it's normal and that parents and kids naturally drift apart after a while ... but I'm not so convinced. My closest friends talk to their parents almost every day and these days it's hard to deny my jealousy. My friends tell their parents about their lives while my Dad doesn't know that I love to paint and fish and he doesn't know that I'm planning a trip to somewhere exotic for Spring Break. My Dad doesn't know that this distance breaks my heart and that I'd trade almost anything to bridge the gap between us and know he's close once more.

And while I know he's proud of me and I know he loves me, I don't know him anymore and he doesn't know me. And at the end of the day, foolish or not, I want my Super Dad back.

She

2009-07-03T12:42:00.003-06:00

**

She is grown and moving on
In leaps and bounds she dances
towards a future I can only dream of.

The best parts of me are mirrored in her
And I imagine that the best parts of her
Might be in me somewhere, buried and dirty.

She carries no air of superiority or pride
She has no idea that she shines
And gives light to all my secret dreams.

A soul so beautiful that others rise up
Unashamed and unaware that she
Is the kindred spirit that has called to them.

Truly alive and truly living
I feel a responsibility to do the same
To live along side her, alight and free.

She is family and she is true
A beauty, a beacon, a fire,
And a heart that invites me to radiate with her.

**

Old Friends

2009-06-26T16:23:00.003-06:00

**

I think I spend too much time in my own head. It's warm and comforting and completely devoid of any common sense or limitation. Join me, won't you?

Lately I feel as though I'm stumbling around in a dark room - eyes wide open, brow furrowed in concentration, teeth digging mercilessly into my bottom lip (forming the first letter of the one go-to curse word that seems to acknowledge and alleviate frustration all at one time).

I've been in this room many times before - the same darkness has frequently overwhelmed me and forced me into submission - yet the room remains terrifying and unfamiliar. It's not terrain you ever get used to, is it? Darkness is always foreign no matter how well you know your surroundings.

Yet, I keep stumbling around because I'm convinced that eventually something's gonna give and there'll be a break in the brick-and-mortar of my days and the light will trickle sweetly through the cracks. I know, it sounds like I'm depressed doesn't it? But it's actually the opposite - I'm delighted because deep down I know that if I'd never known darkness, I couldn't recognize the light.

**

You Jerk

2009-05-06T14:44:00.002-06:00

*
Well, it was bound to happen, right? Eventually I was bound to feel "something" in connection to the recent events that I've been handling so well. Don't get me wrong, I still don't feel the need to yell or scream or exact my revenge - but man-oh-man, am I annoyed!

You see, there are people on this Earth that believe everything happens for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learned amidst chaos and pain - I am one of those people.

There are also people on this Earth that are masters at manipulation and have the ability to transform themselves into who/what others desire them to be - he is one of those people.

Now, imagine those two people collide. Throw in words like "God's will" and "divine appointment" etc and that's a recipe for disaster - especially if one of those people (the Eternal Optimist or the Apparent Alchemist) doesn't have the right motives.

My motives were pure and my heart was vulnerable - it's not easy for me to trust men, especially those that seem to be too good to be true. His motives ... well ... let's just say they weren't as pure. I'm not about to list the ugly things he did and I'm not going to act like it didn't hurt to be let down (again) - but yes, I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed that he used God as an anvil to give his words weight. I'm annoyed that he acted like him moving on to another girl was cause for congratulation. I'm annoyed that I talked about him and got butterflies when thinking about him. I'm annoyed that I let him mean something to me when I could have stuck to my old ways and not had to feel any of this.

But, then I would have missed out on the important lesson that I learned through this situation - I'm not heart-broken because every single day I surrendered my feelings to God and asked that He protect me from getting too attached - and He did.

Though this man hurt me, our Father is wiser and stronger and I will relax in the knowledge that He will vindicate me.
*

Lucky Lucky, I'm So Lucky

2009-05-05T15:05:00.002-06:00

*
For Kiki, on a day when she feels "less than" when she is really so much more than she knows.

Remember that time ...

... You "helped" me climb on the roof in Dublin and I slipped, sliding all the way down the roof and almost falling to my death and all you could scream was "Jen! Don't die! You can't leave me here alone!!"

... I tried on those panties that were about 9 sizes too small and they ripped clean off my body!

... We watched "28 Days Later" and you forced me to let you sleep in my bed that night cause you were so scared that zombies were going to come get you.

... We ordered that massive "Wagon Wheel" pizza from Mizzoni's (can't believe I remember the name of that place) and we had to turn it sideways to fit it through the door!

... You burst into tears at that coffee shop because you JUST. COULDN'T. HANDLE. LIFE.

... We put that pylon on Cam's head and made him run around like a zombie, chasing the other kids.

... You called me hysterically crying from the airport because all the turbulence on your flight home to Canada scared you and you thought you were going to die.

... You lost your mind when the Africa team went home and had to take the day off work cause you couldn't stop crying.

... I had to scale the countertops and stove to run that excessively long ethernet chord all over the kitchen to set up our internet service that we only kept for 2 months before we moved again.

... Those sequined shoes you wore to walk around Dublin that cut up your feet and they got all infected and gross.

... We stayed up ALL NIGHT (multiple times) to watch Friends/CSI/3 Wishes/X-Factor etc.

Despite my feelings about Dublin, we had the best time together. You've always been able to cheer me up, inspire me and convince me to keep on pressing in when I want to do anything but. I love you, Keek - you are so much more than you know.

Have a better day, love.
*

Living on a Prayer

2009-05-04T11:26:00.003-06:00

*
Stuff I Learned This Weekend:

1) Muss is back ... she's a little sad, I'm whole-heartedly delighted. Welcome home, man.
2) All great conversations should include the words "I'll bring the keg on wheels" with the response "I think we're on to something here ..."
3) I may be terrible at pool but I absolutely love it.
4) Life at it's sweetest: Last night Muss and I set off rockets in a park while Kris and Kiki played on the swings.
5) Not every picture has to have sentimental value - stop hoarding - just throw some of them away!
6) I'll never be as blonde as I was when I was a kid.
7) Our society values possessions but my back begs me to downsize for the big move happening in a couple weeks.
8) Despite some of the stuff that's happened lately, I'm still really happy.
9) I miss playing guitar but I love having long nails too much to cut them so I can play again.
10) The more brown I get from tanning, the more I love my body.
*

Not This Time

2009-04-28T14:17:00.002-06:00

*
For the sole purpose of avoiding the truth that comes crashing into reality when the unspoken is given a voice, I am here. Typing out feelings that I'm sure don't have a name. I've been hoping for something recently and I just found out that it is most definitely not going to come to fruition. And the disappointment is tangible. I feel like I can see it and smell it and hear it ringing all around me and all I want to do is blare happy carnival music to drown out the noise with irony.

I feel like I've been designed to receive disappointment fairly calmly - I haven't cried or yelled or really emoted in any extreme fashion - but I feel it. The best way for me to describe it is a throbbing. I feel like my spirit is throbbing.

So, it stings and I've been knocked off balance but I'll regain my composure very soon. Something like this won't destroy me or steal the progress I've made. I choose forgiveness, mercy, love and grace. Basically, I choose that which has been given so selflessly to me despite my glaringly obvious lack of merit.

I choose life.
*

Promise Maker. Promise Keeper.

2009-04-14T09:15:00.004-06:00

*
Last night I crawled into bed and thanked God for the way He has been moving lately. Friends of mine have been trying to conceive for the past 10 years and, after considerable difficulty, they decided to adopt. They have been let down over and over with adoptions that fell through - babies that were dangled in front of them like candy and then snatched away, just as their hearts were opened to love. But yesterday, their struggle was distant and their frustration was forgotten; their baby came home to them. A gorgeous little boy with dark brown eyes and a smile that makes my heart swell to impossible proportions.

I'm so happy for them and so overwhelmed at their happiness. My God is a God of impossible dreams and extravagant promises and, more than anything, my God is promise keeper.

So here I sit with much to ponder.

I've watched God make my friend's wildest dreams come true. I feel a stirring in my soul and a whisper in my ear, reminding me that He wants to do the same for me. I don't know what my wildest dreams are but I love how limitless my God is. I know this post is overly-"Godly" and I normally try to keep the God-talk to a minimum so as not alienate some of my friends who read my blog - but friends, you know me. And this is my heart.

I live a life that is extravagantly full of grace and passion - I am fiercely loved and pursued by a God who has all things and He still beckons to a fool like me. I have seen hearts, minds and bodies healed and I have felt my own spirit restored under the healing glance of God. In this life - in my life - this is all there is. The truth is, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for God. That is, in the simplest form, my testimony.

And what I prayed last night is still true today - I don't want to waste the second chance I've been given. So (as cheesy as this sounds) if you are reading this - God loves you and He wants to know you. I know it's cliche and you've probably heard it all before but guys, I'm living proof that God loves you where you're at and not where you think you should be. There are no pre-requisites, there are no conditions - right now (this second!) where you are sitting, God is whispering to your heart and He wants you to hear this: "You are everything I've ever wanted. I love you and I want to restore you." I'm not trying to preach at you or convert you - I've just decided, once and for all, that what I have is worth talking about - and I want you to have it too.

I've been rescued time and again from my own self-hatred and desperation. And I refuse to sit by while the people I love buy into the lie that they're not worth God's time. He made this world for YOU and gave His Son for YOU. If you were the only person on earth, He would have done it all for you. Don't be like me - don't waste your life believing that your existence and worth are limited to what you see. I promise you - GOD promises you - it's not. And, like I said, He's a promise keeper.
*

Say It

2009-04-09T15:22:00.002-06:00

*
Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
Put me out of my misery
And just say it.

Tell me that you're a big fake
And far too good to be true
And that everything you've said to me
Will eventually prove me to be a fool

Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
Put it all out there
And just say it.

Tell me this isn't going to work
That there's someone better than me
She's thinner and prettier
And will make you endlessly happy

Why can't you just say what I need to hear?
I think I can handle it
Just say it.

Because if this is going to work
And you're telling me the truth
I have to say it here and now
I'm scared to death of you

Why can't I just let this be everything it is?
And admit how I feel
Just say it ...

I think I might be yours.
*

The Other Day

2009-04-03T15:43:00.003-06:00

*
You know what sucks? Being so busy that you can't remember what day it is or when any event took place in the days previous. This has happened to me a lot lately as I've been forced to refer to every day as "The Other Day". My days are just starting to blend together into one giant stress ball which is rolling downhill and gaining enough momentum and force to crush me into the ground.

Or something less dramatic.

Yet again, my weekend will be spent writing papers and trying to spend time with the girls. Also, on Sunday my friend/co-worker Sharon is going to put blonde highlights in my hair! So stay tuned for that!

Aside from those random events, nothing much is new. I'll keep you posted if anything mildly interesting pops up! Have a good weekend!
*

The Power of Power

2009-04-02T14:38:00.002-06:00

*
I'm disgruntled. Would you like to know why? Some genius in a semi hit a power line (he's fine, don't worry) and knocked out the power in the entire Northwest end of the city. Guess where my salon is? In the Northwest. Guess what I do at my salon that requires power? TAN.

On days when I feel like my depression is taking a toll, I go tanning. Research has suggested that "light box therapy" alleviates the symptoms of depression - well, what better way to engage in "light box therapy" than to lay in a bed full of light? That, and I need to be somewhat tan for Tasha's wedding and due to the difficulty I have getting brown, I need to start now (3 months in advance).

I'm hoping the power is back on in time to tan. I need it today.
*

Speaking of Which ...

2009-03-31T11:33:00.003-06:00

*

Me: I hope my issues don't scare you off ... don't give up on me.
Him: I couldn't if I tried.

*

I'm On My Way

2009-03-30T09:51:00.002-06:00

**
Sorry to say, I don't have much of an update on Mr. Love Letter but when I do, I'll let you guys know. It's too early to tell if it's worth blogging much more about (that sounded so lame).

I'm so excited for school to be done so I can start living like a normal person again! I spent my weekend writing papers and trying to sqeeze in time with my loved ones - the next few weeks will be much of the same. Exciting, no?

I've had a lot on my mind and heart lately - especially involving Mr. Love Letter. This time last year I was in a fairly serious relationship and 9 months after our break-up, we're only just starting to talk again. I'm terrified. I don't want to hurt someone else and I definitely don't want to be hurt. This is one of those situations where it could either end up being nothing or everything. I'm taking it slow and trying not to let it mean too much to me - but at the same time, I'm afraid that it will end up meaning something to me and I'll regret not diving in when I had the chance.

I'm so scared to admit that I'm not sure I can handle this. And I'm so scared to admit that I really want this to be something. So I'll admit it here, on my blog, and then I'll never have to say it out loud.
**

Truth Is - I Am Done Pretending

2009-03-04T12:44:00.002-06:00

I feel like the best way to describe today would be to slam my face into my keyboard and allow the smatter of letters spell it out for me. I can't do that for multiple reasons (one of which being I'm at work and my boss would be angry that I didn't let him do it for me) so I'll just dump it all on here in words that you can (hopefully) read.

You know what's worse than the cold weather we are privvy to here in Canada? Waiting for the cold. Right before I step outside for the first time each morning, I die a little inside. It's so warm in my house and I just KNOW that in about 30 seconds I'm going to be freezing cold. I think the moments before the cold are harder to endure than the cold itself.

So right now, in my life, I am at the door. I'm waiting to step out into the cold for the first time and I'm dreading it. A lot of people describe depression as a cloud or darkness but to me it's cold. 100% freezing. Yesterday I was officially diagnosed with "endogenous depression" which, by definition, is: a biological depression, which is caused solely by a chemical imbalance in the brain and is genetic. This kind of depression makes sleep improbable and constant fatigue probable.

AWESOME.

My doctor told me to take it easy, get some rest, allow the pills to bring me back to normal. So, after hearing this news I decided I needed to alleviate some of the stress of school/work/LIFE and drop a class I am doing terribly in. I just got an e-mail from "The Powers That Be" advising me that I won't be able to drop it without dropping another one of my classes. It's a long story and the details don't matter - I'm stuck. I have to keep this schedule that I'm on. And that, my friends, is fucking depressing. I'll be fine but still ... today sucks.
_

Early Morning Product Placement

2009-03-02T08:37:00.003-06:00

Me: D, I want - nay - I NEED a ShamWow!
D: What, pray tell, is a ShamWow?
Me: What!? It's like Jesus ... in a towel ...
D: Uh ...
Me: Prepare to receive the youtube link that will change your life.
(** after watching the ad **)
Me: What CAN'T a ShamWow do!? You could use it for anything!
D: You could make a ShamWow suit and pee yourself!
Me: And after the shame had set in, a ShamWow would dry my tears.
My Boss: Oh shut UP!
Me: You're just jealous. You have yet to know the truth.
My Boss: And what truth is that?
Me: The ShamWow is the second coming of Christ.

Happy Monday!
_

Why Don't You Just Come Back?

2009-02-17T01:47:00.004-06:00

** Becky, I'm sure you already know, but this post is not about you **

I smell like smoke and tears and so much fear that even walking to my bed seems too frightening of a task to complete without perpetual self-talk. As I type these words, they seem so pathetic and I find myself shaking my head. Again. I'm not even sure why - am I shaking my head because these words won't be enough to help you comprehend how I'm feeling? Or because I'm still reeling from information overload and emotional bulimia?

3 words should give you an idea of where I'm at: I got out.

I'm here in Medicine Hat, a city of memories and disappointment and shame and unrecognized potential. My friends all have babies - beautiful lights that dance and sing and scream glorious nonsense that only a mother could understand - and I cry for them. Don't get me wrong, they are fabulous mothers and their children are loved in a way that all kids should be - but they aren't happy. They cry to me and we talk about them getting out of this city and moving to a new place where they could start over. "It's not that easy" they say, "I've got kids to think about; family to take care of".

I flashback to a conversation I had with my stepmother a week before I left this place to seek refuge under her watchful eye in Regina: "You know Jenny, you're going to have to work really hard to prove yourself now. You've made some pretty big mistakes and I'll help you fix them - but I need your word that you're ready to make a change - to put all this behind you and start again". Between sobs I manage to choke out "I'm ready - I'll do whatever it takes" and in my head I'm screaming "Please, please don't give up on me - I can't do this alone".

I sit with my friends and I want nothing more than to pack them up and drag them to my car - to take them back "home" with me and provide a better life for them. I desperately want to be for them what my Stepmom was for me. But I can't. I hold myself back because I've created something beautiful and I'm afraid to let one life bleed into the other. I'm afraid to let the colours run. I can't blur the lines between my past and my present - I can't take the chance that I'll fuck it all up again. I won't sacrifice my progress for their potential happiness.

It sounds cold, doesn't it? It's okay - I know you're thinking it. Chances are, if you're reading this you are one of my closest friends so a part of you is relieved, "Oh thank God, she's come so far - they're only going to drag her down again". And you're right, I have come so far and the odds aren't good that if I was to immerse myself in that life again, I would come out on top. Now, with that in mind, imagine you're me - sit on your friend's couch and listen to her cry about wanting a different life for herself - for her kids - see the fear in her eyes as you tell her "It's not always going to be like this - things are going to get better" and then get up, walk to your car and pull away, shivering because your voice betrayed you and her eyes exposed you - she knew as well as you did that if she didn't get out soon, things weren't going to get better.

I'm at the point where I've chosen to sacrifice the role I want to play in the lives of some of my friends, for the certainty of my own success. No matter how you spin it, it's selfish. Smart, yes. Mature, absolutely. But even in the name of self-preservation, it's heart breakingly selfish. It's not easy being that person.

Scatterlings of Africa

2009-02-13T13:36:00.003-06:00

Meredith recently wrote about feeling like a "sell-out". I can't imagine why she would feel that way as I see her as so much more than she does. But I'm going to take this moment to write about potential. Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to be living a grand and epic adventure. I look at the next 3 years (or so) of my life and they are pretty stable - school, work, friends, - summer, winter, fall, spring - and so on. I have a great life and if it was to continue the way it is, I would count myself even luckier than I already do. But what about all of those missed opportunities? The expanse of my future stretches before me and the plane is soft and flat - while I find that lack of threat very comforting, I squirm at the thought that I'm missing out - that I could be exhausted and excited, exploring something or somewhere that could change my life. I find myself willing a giant fucking mountain to spring up in the middle of that plane and turn my world upside down.

I don't want to miss out. I know that I have potential and I believe that I am meant for something "more" than this life I'm living now, but God help me - I want to see things. I want to be knee deep in new experiences, terrified and burdened with the knowledge that there's so much more "out there" and I don't have the time to fall in love with it all. Unbridled exploration of rivers and rainforests, people who live in trees, people who have nothing, people who have everything, the Taj Mahal, the Sistine Chapel, the Parthenon, new languages, new countries, new food - drinking myself silly in Tijuana, surfing (yes, surfing) in the Caribbean, early morning coffee in Colombia, a journey to Mecca, a journey to the mouth of an active volcano, a journey to an underwater biosphere ...

A journey to the center of everything and everyone I've ever wanted to experience. A life lived in fullness. I refuse to accept anything less.

You Are Winter

2009-01-23T13:55:00.006-06:00

It's cold and icy and I want to lay and dream and drift in and out of the forgiveness that is sleep. With the hustle of Christmas mercifully over and the excitement of inauguration day winding down, I find myself quieting. It's nice. It happens every year. Just a couple of quiet days to balance out the hilarious mayhem that is days 1 through 363.

I've been toying with the idea of picking up writing again (also an annual occurrence). I can't help but feel under qualified - what makes my thoughts so important/interesting that I could expect someone to read them and label me a "writer"? I'm fairly typical and so is my life. The writers that I fall in love with carry an air of intelligence and humour in every word they commit to paper - I would never put myself in such a lofty category. What is it that qualifies one to do what they love? Is it the mere fact that they love it? Or is there something else - something bigger and more important that turns a blog and a diary into a novel or a sermon into a soul-stirring devotional?

I don't think I'll be able to commit to writing again until I understand what it is to truly love something while devoid of the confidence needed to pursue it. I feel like I owe writing more than my "best shot". I feel like writing deserves my heart on paper - how do I do that when I can't even wear my heart on my sleeve? Maybe that's it. Maybe writing is my heart, on my sleeve, on paper. Now I wonder what that would look like ...
_

Stars and Stripes

2009-01-20T11:47:00.007-06:00

"Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations." - Barack H. Obama

About 45 minutes ago (my time), the US made history and inaugurated the 44th President of the United States. He's unconventional, unwavering and under a lot of pressure to sort out the cluster-fuck that has become the US economy. I personally wish him all the best.

Today I wish I was American.
Today I wish I was there.
Today I wish that the kind of hope I feel for the US, could be the kind of hope I feel for Canada.

It's the beginning of his term and he's already a history-maker.

Today I prayed God would protect him and his family from the slander, scandal, violence, and defamation that tends to befall those in leadership.

And today I prayed he'd live up to the hype.
_

Imagine

2009-01-12T16:31:00.002-06:00

A conversation about John Lennon.

Me: Did you know that Mark David Chapman (*the man who shot and killed John Lennon*) still receives death threats in prison to this day?!

Loud Guy: That'd be like my Mom writing death threats - she'd be about Lennon's age.

Me: Yeah, but there's a whole new generation of Beatles fans that probably write to him now.

Loud Guy: Yeah, knowing your generation, they were gonna write a letter but they just couldn't be bothered. Instead of a letter he got an e-mail. And all that e-mail said was:

Dear Mark,

:(

Signed,
A New Generation of Beatles Fans.

**Loud guy is so rarely funny, but this tongue in cheek commentary on my generation was oddly fitting AND hilarious.
_

Boy, Don't Try To Front ...

2009-01-06T15:40:00.004-06:00

I don't like it when people who are wearing tank tops (or sleeveless shirts in general) put their arm around me. Like, OVER my shoulder. I really don't like it. It FREAKS. ME. OUT.

Either their naked, deodorized arm-pit is resting directly on my shoulder, leaving a white mark on my (probably) black shirt OR their naked, NON-DEODORIZED arm-pit is resting directly on my shoulder. Meaning their b.o. is now on my clothing. Meaning I have to burn that shirt cause that smell stays in your clothes.

It's disgusting and it really freaks me out. Hugs in the summer-time cause me to have a mini (but severe) panic attack.
_

Carousel

2009-01-05T09:38:00.006-06:00

I don't like New Year's resolutions. They put so much pressure on people to stick to unreal expectations for a 12 month period - I mean, if this change is so drastic and important that you feel guilty for not sticking to it, shouldn't it be something you vow to do regardless of the time of year? That's just how I feel. I don't make resolutions anymore - I just try to better myself. One day at a time.

One of my favourite co-workers is not in today. When I asked where he was, my boss informed me that his brother died yesterday and he obviously had things to sort out. I'm shocked - I've never met his brother but we've talked about him. They were close and getting closer as his brother had recently moved to Regina. Very few people in my life share my strange little idiosyncrasies - one in particular. I organize my M&M's into their respective colours and then organize them into lines, then eat how ever many I need to until they form a little M&M-type graph from least to greatest. I recently discovered that my grieving co-worker shares this strange habit. So, in honour of him, while organizing my M&M's today I prayed for him, his family and anyone else whose life has been touched by this tragedy. I invite you to join me in prayer if you feel moved to do so.
_

Movie Love

2008-12-28T02:12:00.002-06:00

Let's review: Sleepless in Seattle, The Notebook, Away From Her, Titanic, You've Got Mail, Pretty Woman, Penelope ... and there are hundreds more. Love stories. Epic romances that leave you breathless and hopeful that it may some day happen to you. I know some of them are more "epic" than others - you certainly can't equate Titanic with Pretty Woman, but they have the same feel don't they? Enduring, conquering love in impossible circumstances. They always make you yearn; make you wonder if it's even possible to love like that.

I love any kind of love story. I truly do. I love how uplifting and passionate they are and how they try to bring us back to a time when love used to mean something - really mean something. It wasn't just tossed around casually or used as a bribe or withdrawn as a punishment. Love used to be epic. I believe in the enduring, epic nature of love.

I believe in movie love. I believe in Love.
_

Joyful and Triumphant

2008-12-24T09:55:00.003-06:00

It's Christmas Eve Day and I'm pretty much ready for Christmas. I need to pick up a couple more things for Tina but they're little and shouldn't take too much time. Isn't it sweet how optimistic I am? How innocent? Like I'm not going to be knee deep in shotgun shell casings after trying to elbow my way through Wal-Mart at 3pm.

I can't believe the year is drawing to a close! I won't recap (re-recap) my year and how much I've enjoyed it, but it has definitely been a year of change. Merry Christmas, one and all. I leave you with a recent conversation with my boss:

Me: Did you know that Tarsiers have eyes that weigh more than their brains!?
T: Reminds me of someone I know ...
Me: You know T, there's something to be said for walking away from an easy burn every once in a while.
T: But where's the fun in that?! Speaking of which, nice hair.
Me: You don't mean that.
T: Sure I do! I hear looking like a witch is very "now".

_

Let It Rain!

2008-12-04T16:09:00.002-06:00

**
Life, 3 Words:

God: my Father
Jesus: my Prince
Holy Spirit: so near
School: 4 classes
Work: busy fun
Home: peace, joy
Car: free, loud
Tina: home, happy
Muss: far, funny
Kiki: motivator, chef
Papers: both 92%
Weather: cold, Christmas
Shopping: not done
Money: too little
Family: too far
Friends: too many
Love in abundance

'Tis the Season.
_

I Think We're Alone Now

2008-11-30T00:41:00.004-06:00

**
I've been working so much lately that I've almost forgotten what an 8 hour day feels like. With Tina being home and it being "year-end" at work, I've had next to no time to just sit and be. Man, I miss just "being".

Sometimes I miss the quiet of an uneventful life. I miss being bored on the weekends and having no one to hang out with. I live with one of my best friends - I am never bored. Please don't think I'm complaining because I'm absolutely not. I'm just tired and I want to have one of those days where I can feel free to behave like a total a-hole and it doesn't matter cause no one's around to see it.

Year-End is finally over and I'm bloody thankful. I am going to home to bed.
_

Commencing Countdown, Engines On

2008-11-27T09:32:00.003-06:00

***
I'm not sticking to the rules. I cannot be contained. I refuse to excuse or explain my excitement.

I. AM. OVERJOYED.

Tina's home. Source of all things light and lovely and perfect. These are not lofty accolades, believe me - when you're with her, you'll understand. It's not fair that I had to be without her for a whole year, it's not fair that we didn't share our birthdays or Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's not fair that she came back looking all glowy and hip and I'm always wearing yesterday's clothes. But you know what is fair? She still knows me. We've both changed and grown and evolved into better friends, sisters, daughters etc, but man, she knows me.

I love that even when everything is crazy and I'm working 14 hour days and I'm messy and spontaneous and irrational - I'm treasured by her. Because to her, all these things are familiar yet new. She's known me as messy, spontaneous and irrational all her life - but now she's experiencing them all over again. Unfortunately for her, I've preserved some of my not-so-nice qualities as well and over time she'll grow to dread them but for right now, we're enjoying getting to know each other all over again.

And you know what I'm figuring out?

Things makes sense when Tina's around. And I LOVE when things make sense.
_

Yellow Bird

2008-11-23T15:03:00.003-06:00

Today I came to the realization that I am not seeking relevance or validation. Today I came to the realization that I am not seeking love, affection or even positive reinforcement.

Today I came to the realization that I am relevant, validated, loved, affected (ha!) and reinforced.

Today I came to the realization that I am 100%, tips of my toes to the top of my head bathed in yellow sunlight, heart combustingly HAPPY. And not only happy, but satisfied. I finally feel like my life means something.

I guess ... today I came to the realization that the search is over. Call off the dogs. I know who I am.
_

To The Left, To The Left.

2008-11-19T08:31:00.004-06:00

*
I have an irrational fear of the dentist. Like, I'm the girl sitting in the waiting room quietly sobbing into a 6 month old Us Weekly. I don't know what it is. It's not THAT uncomfortable, but I cry through the entire appointment. The tears start right after giving my name to the receptionist and stop when I'm driving home. And don't even get me started on when I'm actually IN the chair. I shake uncontrollably. We're not talking a little quivering, we're talking full body SHAKING.

The last time I went, I cried and shook so much that the dentist had to leave the room for 20 minutes (read: an ETERNITY when you're about to get a needle in the gums) because he was laughing so hard. Imagine the crying and shaking and me trying to say through that terrible dental dam "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it's not going to hurt that badly. I'm so sorry" and all the dentist hears is "Ah owwy, ah ohn oh as ong eh ee ...". Just typing about that rubber trampoline they put over your mouth (read: half way down your throat so you can't swallow or breathe) makes my mouth water and my stomach churn.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm about to make my first dental appointment in 2 years. Scratch that. 3 years. Oh God ...
_

That Which Is Senseless ...

2008-11-14T15:10:00.003-06:00

I work in a machine shop. 15 boys and ME. Sometimes they say the funniest things and it really makes my day. On Monday one of the guys is having a birthday and Muss is making him an awesome cake. It's making him crazy that I won't tell him what the cake is shaped like (they're always personalized to what each guy likes) and thus, the following conversation:

Guy: Gwen! Tell me what kind of cake you're making me.
Me: No way, it's a surprise.
Guy: Why?! You told me what all the other guys were getting!
Me: Yes but I didn't tell THEM ...
Guy: Well I did! What can I say? I'm a chatty Kathy!

I lost it. SO funny.
_

Stay ...

2008-11-12T14:10:00.003-06:00

No longer lost, or wandering or scared
Chasing a fountain for wishing
Running and frantically checking
Over my shoulder, my past

Not one to find myself in another
Or allow this heart to be held
Please keep your distance, I can't let you
Touch me, keep me or change me

Shifting from one left foot to another
Tripping on best laid plans
Trying so hard to look ahead, only to find
What I'm looking forward to has already passed

Today, a new plan, a new day, a new hope
I choke on emotion as I deeply inhale
Change is laced with grace in the air
Forgiveness and freedom surround me

Welcome to this brand new place
White and breathlessly golden
Lacking in pretention and expectation
It's peaceful, it's light, it's home.
_

I've Got a Friend Who Loves Me

2008-11-07T11:31:00.005-06:00

We had a party last night. MY party. A table full of friends, super good food and I didn't pay a cent (by the way, ladies, who paid for that?!). The night ended, friends parted and I drove home warm and happy. When I got home I was greeted with half a dozen missed calls and a couple frantic voicemails. A crisis - a friend in trouble - desperation from 5 hours away. That's one of the world's worst feelings - complete helplessness. I was called to comfort a friend who was hysterically crying and wanted nothing more than to end it all so she didn't have to feel the pain anymore. "You're the only one who can talk to her, Jen" translates in my head as "You're the only one who can save her!". Welcome to my crippling Saviour complex.

My desperation to ease her distress is nothing compared to her pain. I can't relate, I can't even empathize. I want to rescue her. Everything in me is screaming "Go to her! Don't let her do anything drastic! You'll never forgive yourself if something happens to her!", but then, THANKFULLY, I hear the voice of God whispering "It's okay, you comforted, you calmed and now the rest is up to her. Rest - please. You need to rest".

I'm so lucky. I have more than most - more that anyone, really. If you're reading this, I love you. Please, please know that. I love you guys and I'll always be here. You may roll your eyes and say "I know, I know" but seriously - stop for a second (RIGHT NOW) and consider this: I LOVE YOU. I'll always love you. I can't keep you safe, I can't protect you from pain or disappointment but for fuck sakes girls - I love you. Everything in me wants everything in you to FEEL and KNOW that.

Please know that.
_

Hands Open, Eyes Open

2008-11-06T15:50:00.004-06:00

So long, 23 - move over and make room for 24! While I gleefully anticipate what this next year of my life will bring, I can’t help but feel the need to pay tribute to the past year – full of drama and confusion but SO much fill-me-up to overflowing, shiny, dandy LOVE. In the spirit of the day – enjoy:

23 Reminiscents of 23

During this past year:

I’ve worked 2 jobs, 17 hours a day, barely sleeping and still not making ends meet. One year ago today, I wasn’t happy.
I’ve swallowed my pride and asked for help.
I’ve quit 2 jobs and accepted one - overpaid, underworked and delighted. Every day.
I dated an amazing guy and realized through his example, that good relationships DO exist.
I’ve lived in an apartment with one of my best friends and now live in a house with one of my best friends.
While living in the aforementioned apartment, we were visited more by the police than friends/family.
Never once were the police there to see us.
I adopted a beautiful sponsor child.
I’ve started University and am an "A" student (so far).
I’m settled into a Church that I love and truly feel is my home and family.
I’ve developed even more idiosyncrasies – mostly involving the control/elimination of germs and bacteria.
I haven’t missed living in Ireland. I’ve missed the kids and the shops – but not the lifestyle. Never.
I finally launched "Every Avenue" – prayer and worship for youth. Freedom..
I’ve missed my sister ever day since she’s been living in England.
I’ve seen friends pregnant and then I’ve seen them as mothers. Watching them - I’ve been overwhelmed with pride.
I’ve found and re-connected with long lost friends and family.
I’ve been consumed with hurt, anger, bitterness and the sting of betrayal.
I’ve gotten over it.
I bought a laptop and now can’t believe I ever lived without it.
I’ve learned that it’s OKAY that I think gay people should be allowed to get married, and women should be allowed to choose what happens to their body, and I can believe those things and still love Jesus.
I’ve watched the U.S. change the course of history by electing an African American President. Hope on a podium. Hope for Darfur. Hope for my generation.
I have made new friends and been accepted into their families.
I have loved deeply and recklessly and I’ve been loved the same way.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings, I'll Be There

2008-11-04T08:24:00.004-06:00

My sister is hilarious. She really is. We can make a joke about pretty much anything - this is especially easy when she's in one of "those" moods. Enjoy our most recent conversation:

Tina: I hate those girls who aren't happy unless every guy is in love with them. Some of us would be happy with ONE guy - even if he's ugly! I mean, look at you and So-and-So.

Jen: *gasp* TINA!

T: (laughing hysterically)

J: He was really nice, okay?!

T: Oh he was nice, was he?! He didn't BEAT YOU? That's nice.

J: Tina! Stop ... (laughing too)

T: Was he deep, Jen? Was he troubled, like Joaquin Phoenix? Did he have deep inner thoughts?! Was it his sense of humour? Was he smart?? Need I go on!?

J: (wheezing)

T: (wheezing)

J: I can't believe you're wheezing.

T: All I know is he's gotta have brawn. I don't even know what that IS, but he's gotta have it!

Come home, Teen. Come home and we'll rustle you up some "brawn" - whatever that is.
_

I'm Having Such A Good Time, I'm Having A Ball

2008-10-30T08:28:00.004-06:00

So, Muss blogged about why she loves her job - so allow me to blog about why I love mine. And by that I mean "why I don't entirely despise my job" because I was here until 11pm last night trying to catch up for month end and I'd be lying if I said I loved it today.

I sat in my boss' office this morning and stared straight through him until I could remember why I was there in the first place. While I was doing so, he noticeably glanced at my hair. Now, as I said - I was here late last night, got home with just enough time to chat with a very tired and disheveled Kiki, have a text-versation with Josh, wash my face and get to bed by 1am. So I'm exhausted - and, I'm not ashamed to say - not looking my best.

So here's how the conversation went:

Me: What the hell was that?
T: What was what?
Me: You looked at my hair. Don't do that. Don't look at my hair like that.
T: (laughing) I was just thinking that it looks better than it did yesterday when you had a paperclip holding back your bangs.

I'm beginning to think we've gotten too comfortable with each other.
_

Stop and Stare

2008-10-27T12:04:00.003-06:00

I'm getting my Social Work midterm back tonight. So ... in about 8 hours I'll either be delighted or disappointed. It's nice to have a glimpse into the future of my afternoon. Spooky.

I've barely worked lately (read: at all) due to days off for midterms etc. Having a hard time working up the nerve to tackle the pile of paperwork on my desk.

Becky is coming for a visit tomorrow! She's staying the night with Kiki and I and all the girls (aside from Kris, who has to work) have confirmed their presence at a fun "We Love Becky" dinner. Can't wait. Will be lovely to have a good portion of "my girls" all in one room. You know ... before the shenanigans of my birthday next week.

I'm so disturbed by the news of the triple homicide in Jennifer Hudson's family. NOT because she's famous and NOT because she's an Oscar Winner but because it's horrendous to lose ANYONE you love - not to mention 3 in one day to something like murder. Horrific. Makes me want to call my family and friends and make sure they know how much I love them.

In fact ... that's what I'll spend my lunch time doing.
_

Dear Mr. President

2008-10-17T11:10:00.002-06:00

I can't stand being sick. I'm such a baby and my poor room-mates are probably starting to learn that. I wish my Mom was here to make me tea and soup and tuck me in. But I'm lucky, Kiki does all that stuff - even if she does make me chicken noodle soup despite my vegetarianism.

So this weekend is going to consist of studying and self-medication. I've got class tomorrow morning but aside from that, I won't be leaving the house. Resting, studying, studying, resting. I'm nervous about next week's midterms - doing poorly on the first midterm of the semester tends to set the standard for the rest of the year. I need to do well because I'm smart and when smart people do badly on tests, it makes them look lazy. And stupid. I may be lazy but stupid I am not.

Every once in a while I find myself imagining what a conversation between myself and President Bush would sound like. Usually I decide that it would consist of me shaking my head, mentioning the genocide in Darfur, looking him in the eyes and asking "How do you sleep at night?".

In my head, he has no response. In real life, they don't let people like me near people like him.

Love, Pain, The Whole Damn Thing

2008-10-07T11:36:00.003-06:00

Sometimes the memories overpower me - my resolve fades and I let myself dwell, if only for a second. I refuse to think about you because by doing so, I give credit to who you're not. The memories I have of you don't do you justice - that's not who you are. You're not kind or passionate, you don't actually give a shit about me. But I'll give you this - you're quite the actor.

I see how she is with you - enamored and floating, so completely unaware. I want to warn her, to expose you as the masked stranger you are - confused and self-obsessed, blind and velvetly convincing. The only reason I don't?

I refuse to be the girl who plays that game.
I refuse to give you the chance to explain and justify yourself.
I refuse to reveal to you who you really are.
I refuse to make self-discovery that easy and painless for you.

I want to see the look on your face when you finally take a long look in the mirror and can't stand what you see.

So go ahead and mime your way through another relationship. Take another heart, take another risk, take another step towards what will surely be yet another damaging collision of reality and fantasy.

Take another step back from me.

I see through you. I see through your thinly veiled apologies and smiling betrayals.
We're not friends. We're not okay.

I am. But we're not.
_

Baby, You're No Good

2008-10-01T11:12:00.003-06:00

I'm staring - why can't I stop staring?! Even as I type this, I'm still staring out the window. Seriously, what is MY problem?! I threw myself in the shower this morning in hopes of waking myself up and preparing for the day, but I kid you not - I got in the shower, got out of the shower and could have gone back to bed for another 24 hours. Wow, having no life is exhausting.

I've got my first mid-term tonight - film. Ugh. I'm so unprepared it's not even funny. I'm tempted to use the 13yr old excuse "When am I ever going to need to know that Orson Welles' swollen-fingered direction of "Citizen Kane" is a mirror of the two-thumbed direction of our own society!?".

Tonight in class we're watching "The Darjeeling Limited" which sounds good except for the whole watching "The Darjeeling Limited" part. Seriously - just MAKING the movie made Owen Wilson slit his wrists - what chance do I have of sitting through the finished product?! I'm hoping - no - PRAYING that I go into anaphylactic shock and end up seizuring down the aisles and straight out the door to my car.

What? A girl can dream.
_

I Don't Think You Can Handle This

2008-09-29T09:37:00.002-06:00

Where did the weekend go? All I remember is a frenzy of moving - unpacked boxes, bed frames, bruised shins, suitcases, Lysol Wipes and laundry baskets. Oh, and a haircut. Oy.

Monday has descended upon me like a giant fist, squashing me into the ground like a cartoon character as I try to frantically waddle to safety. Dramatic? I'd say so. I've got so much work to do before month end (tomorrow) that it seems a little hopeless. Yet, I perservere.

I finally announced the first meeting of "Every Avenue" - Thursday, Oct 9th. Wow. I started thinking of holding a youth prayer/worship night back in Ireland and now it's actually coming to fruition. So scary and so exciting. And so much responsibility.

I'm trying so hard to plan a road trip to Medicine Hat before it snows - the girls are desperate to go but getting us all together and co-ordinated is quite the chore. We'll see how it goes but I've got a pregnant sister to visit! Becks, I'm on my way!
_

I Can Feel You Breathe

2008-09-26T09:13:00.002-06:00

My laptop arrives today. I know you don't care, but I so do. I also managed to set up the wireless internet in our house (despite the doubts of certain co-workers who thought I'd never manage it) so as soon as I get the laptop all configured and stuff, I'll totally have the ability to use it at home. Why am I determined to give you all these details? Lord knows.

I'm also chopping my hair off tonight. I made an appointment on a whim and have decided to cut about 4 inches off and layer it. You also don't care about this. But it's okay. These are the details of my life. Deal.

Oh Lord in heaven! My laptop arrived while I was writing this post. It's so beautiful. Next time I update, it'll be from my gorgeous new laptop. Oh relax - I know you're on the edge of your seats but just calm down.
_

Move Your Body

2008-09-15T13:57:00.002-06:00

I need to start moving. Why can't I get motivated? I think I have an irrational fear that I'll start the moving process and then lose momentum half way in and end up like those fools with one foot on the dock, one foot in the boat and a widening gap between their legs. In other words, I don't want to end up with half my stuff at the house, half still in the apartment and no energy to rectify the situation.

Muss moves out on Friday - another reason I'm in a panic to move. I can't fathom being in the apartment alone. I love my alone time, don't get me wrong - I just can't imagine all her stuff gone and me sitting in the living room alone - unable to make supper because all the dishes belong to her and she took them to Strasbourg.

Guess we'll see how it goes.
.

King of Wishful Thinking

2008-09-12T10:20:00.007-06:00

(Please excuse the terrible formatting of this post - for some reason posting a photo makes it impossible to format)
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I bought a laptop this morning. It looks exactly like the one on the left. Yes, it's purple. No I'm not gay. I've just never seen someone with a purple laptop and I'll be an individual if it KILLS me.
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University is rocking my world. I just thought you'd like to know.
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For some reason I've developed a crazy-ass habit of laughing hysterically when I commit a traffic related faux-pas. I have no idea why - it's not like I enjoy cutting people off or making them mad, but when I see the rage on their face after I've signalled my apology, it makes me CACKLE. Honestly, if you were to hear it you'd be scared because it's an evil, self-indulgent laugh. And it's hysterical. I can't stop myself once I start. How did this happen?!
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Anyways, this weekend we're helping Meredith paint her new house (the inside, not outside) and we're pretty stoked. She has promised us beer, chinese food and good times. I will be holding her to it.
_

I Wish I Had A River I Could Skate Away On

2008-09-11T13:53:00.003-06:00

I'm going laptop shopping tomorrow. I'm pretty stoked even though I know as soon as I pass through the automatic doors, the nerdy ears of the GeekSquad at FutureShop will prick up - "*sniff* Jeremy ... do you smell that?" (Jeremy sniffs the air) "Yeah dude ... smells like ... like ... inexperience ... vulnerability and ... is that ? Yeah man, I smell a sucker". They can spot me a mile away. However, I am not what they suspect - yes, I am vulnerable, inexperienced and bringing a friend who is distracted by shiny/sparkly/pink things - BUT, I am NOT "Daddy's-little-princess-walking-around-clueless-with-his-MasterCard-and-a-slight-air-of-undeserved-entitlement-and-superiority-wondering-aloud-if-they-have-any-Pink-Mac's-left-in-stock".

I may be clueless. I may be a sucker. But RICH I am not. You can't get blood from a stone, fellas. That's right, go on ahead and move on to Princess Peach while I search for something functioning under $900.

That's my strategy. I wonder how that's gonna work for me ...

_

Hittin' The Books

2008-09-02T09:11:00.002-06:00

School starts tomorrow - my first University class in ... wow, over 3 years. I am so nervous but also really really excited. It will be so fantastic to get into my head again. I am so sick of all the drama and noise that's been around me lately - I just want no part of it. I want to be in school - removed from it all - I want to have the excuse "Sorry, too much homework" whenever someone calls and wants to waste my time with problems I can't fix. Sorry, I know that sounds mean but I'm tired of being woken up at all hours with all sorts of problems. I love my friends and I will ALWAYS be there when they need me - but seriously? Sometimes I just want to shout "Can't this wait til morning?!".

Anyways ...

I'm excited. And pondering a move to Strasbourg? Today will be the day I decide ... Lord, help! This could be one very big adventure!

_

It Had To Be You

2008-08-14T13:51:00.003-06:00

I'd like it if he were tan, all year 'round - you know, one of those aggravatingly gorgeous men who has skin just brown enough to look sexy and not at all like leather.

But that doesn't really matter when it comes to the man I want to end up with. These things do:

He'll be charismatic, the kind of confident that spills out of his laugh lines and messy brown hair. He'll be independent, someone who doesn't NEED me, but WANTS me. He'll never tell me he can't live without me, but I'll just know he doesn't want to have to. He'll see me as more than a friend and all around kick ass woman, he'll see what I don't show - my talents, fears, desires and dreams - he won't be afraid to look right at me and tell me I'm okay, just as I am. He'll argue with me, passionately, both of us sure we're right. He'll be smart enough that every once in a while, I'll give in and agree that he is indeed right.

He'll be passionate about something other than me and God - an instrument, a hobby, a vision for something bigger than him, bigger than us, something that broadens our view. He'll make easy conversation with just about everyone, always finding that common denominator to make others feel at ease. People that cross his path will feel his heavy presence, loaded with empathy and urgency - a real man among men. He'll laugh with me and at me and he'll do it often. He'll enjoy his life before and after me - not waiting for me to come along and complete the equation, but delighted that I've enhanced his enjoyment of things. He'll be a man of integrity and strong morals - unwavering and uncompromising - he'll fight for what's right.

He'll stick around forever, because he WANTS to and not because he should. He'll love me fiercely, passionately and consistently and he'll never make promises he doesn't intend to keep.

.

Faces Of Waste

2008-08-05T11:20:00.000-06:00

I've been places where the end of the rainbow gets lost in the bustle
And children are neither cherished or forgiven
I've seen lights so bright they expose secrets
So deep and so hidden, hands recoil

I've looked upon beauty with mild amusement
As it's manipulated into art
And wondered aloud if anyone hears me
When I ask how the hell to get out of this place

I've hated the hated and been lost with the lost
Myself and some stragglers
More in common than booze and regret
A kind of hidden facet of myself explored in another

And I've loved like a child, reckless and wild
Foolish and ever so blindly assuming
Confident and terrified, uncertain and messy
Because I'm neither cherished or forgiven

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You Make The Rockin' World Go 'Round

2008-07-24T12:59:00.002-06:00

They slashed my tire. MY tire. I am so nice to pretty much everyone - who the heck would want to inconvenience me in this fashion? Wait ... oh yeah ... WE LIVE IN A HOVEL. Our neighbourhood is just so ghetto. Meredith and I were both startled by a gunshot in our back alley last night and then this morning, welcome to riding the rim down Lewvan. Geez.

So it's Thursday and I swear, the "powers that be" are trying to ruin my favourite day! By the way - wanna know who your real friends are? Get a wicked flat tire at 8am and see who offers/comes to get you. The people who don't respond to your texts/calls? Not worth your time. But the friends that leave work (even though they only just got there) and the ones with stomach flu who offer to come get you despite all the throwing up - THEY are the true friends. My girls.

So now I've got to buy a new tire. Just a reminder folks - that car isn't mine - it's my sister's. And she will flay me where I stand if I don't get that shit fixed and QUICK. So that's how I'm spending my evening. Hooray. Anyways, things had better shape up or I'm going to lose it.

Hope your day is better than mine.

_

Home

2008-07-23T15:23:00.003-06:00

I want to give you dreams and visions.

I want to light up your life.

I want to make things better than they've ever been before.

I want to heal you.

I want to love you and show you how to love.

I want to make you whole.

Not again, but for the first time.

I want to prove Myself to you.

I want to be trusted by you.

I want to be all the things you beg Me to be.

I want you to let Me.

You Know Who You Are ...

2008-07-21T09:33:00.003-06:00

For all the ways I'm known by you
And all the ways I know you

For all the times you've stood by me
And all the times I'll stand for you

For every way you affect my heart
And every way I'm blessed by you

For every desperate midnight phone call
And every tearful lunch

For every scandalous, painful story
And your effortless defense of me

For hysterical laughter in wild abandon
And joy in the same old songs

For every moment I thought I'd never heal
And your every promise that I would

For every hug that meant more than words
And every word that softened my heart

For every blessed future imagined
And every filthy past forgotten

For every way you've helped me settle
And all the time spent breaking down walls

For every single one of my girls
In every way I love you.

God, Help Me

2008-07-16T16:22:00.003-06:00

Two posts in one day - this MUST be important. I just heard this song on the radio ... I'm so glad today's youth are listening to this trash:

So Hot - Kid Rock

You got a body like the devil and you smell like sex
I can tell you're trouble but I'm still obsessed
Because you know you're

SO HOT
I wanna get you alone
SO HOT
I wanna get you stoned
SO HOT
I dont wanna be your friend
I wanna xxxx you like I'm never gonna see you again

You're like the kiss of death, like the hand of faith
I can tell you're trouble but I still wanna taste

Lord, help our youth...

I'm Holdin' Out For A Hero!

2008-07-16T09:22:00.002-06:00

Hellboy 2 - terrible ass movie. Don't waste your time or money.

Moving on: What is with the weather lately!? I don't get it. It's the middle of July - it's supposed to be smokin' hot but it's overcast and grey and rainy. I don't understand it. Not that I mind - but a little bit of sun would be nice.

I think I'm crazy. Really I do. I got so excited while I was in Wal-Mart yesterday cause I found the coolest present for my little "nephew" Duncan. It's one of those big plastic balls that you inflate and then climb into and you can roll around inside the ball! Like a little hamster ball but for kids! And get this: the ball has arm, leg and head holes so you can wear it like a suit and walk around! Seriously ... I was thisclose to getting it for little Dunkers but he's still too young. And Becky might kill me.

I wish they made those for adults.

Cold Hard Bitch

2008-07-14T08:47:00.003-06:00

Oh, the weekend. Allow me to swoon: I stayed home all weekend. Well, pretty much. Friday night was Church night (but that'll be stopping henceforth so Friday nights will be free once again!) and then excessive Scrubs watching with Muss! Then Saturday rolled around and rocked my world! I ran some errands and then hung out with Shayne. Okay - so maybe that particular event didn't rock my world. It was hard to see him and spend time with him - it was probably too soon. We still have the same physical chemistry and inclinations as we always did so it was weird to try and ignore that and just be friendly. I felt bad though - I'm sure he was hoping for more reconciliation talk but all I could say was: Get over me so God can work in/through you. Yeah, yeah. "Cold Hard Bitch" by Jet is playing through my mind right now.

So, score 1 for the guys at work - so far, you can't be friends with your ex.

Next - I went for dinner with my ladies and then to Mel's house to play "Catch Phrase". Seriously, I rock at this game. I ROCK at it. It should be a sport cause I'd medal in it for sure. At least silver, but probably gold. Recognize.

And that brings us to yesterday - or as I like to call it "Reconciliation Sunday". House Church was at Mandy and Shawn's and Lord, was I blessed! Such great worship and such a good word from Shawn. "Boy I'm Angry At" was there and was going through some stuff - it was hard to watch because I care about him so much and could see how hard it was for him to receive some of the words being spoken over him. I'm so glad others care about him enough to speak into the messed up areas of his life. He talked to me last night and claims he's in a better place now and wants to resume our friendship - I'm reserving judgement on his stability and keeping my distance. Can't help but hope against hope he means it ...

That's all! I've got a crazy week ahead (I get to see Taryn, Tasha, Mandy, Becky, "Boy I'm Angry At" and of course, my girls) so who knows when the next update will come. Stay tuned.

You've Got Me Feelin' Emotions

2008-07-11T16:07:00.002-06:00

It's thundering like crazy right now. I love storms. I think every girl says that though - I don't know many girls that are like "Naw, storms are gay - I like when it's still and quiet outside all the time".

I had an ill-advised discussion with my boss and co-worker today about men/women and their friendships. I'm determined that Shayne and I will be friends despite our breakup. They keep telling me it's never gonna happen and the only way he'll be friends with me is if he thinks we'll end up together ... I don't like this idea. I want to be friends.

Is it possible?

Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

2008-07-10T10:36:00.003-06:00

Whew. Hope I didn't scare anyone with my last post. Obviously, I've got some stuff going on at the moment and it's made me a little "on edge". Sorry about that. But, it's over now - and now …

Thank God For These Things Thursday

1) My bed - I know, I've posted a lot about my bed in the past but seriously … it's so epic. I got the best sleep I've had in a long time last night.

2) Muss - She cooked for me when I got home yesterday cause she knew I was having a bad day. I'm so thankful that my roommate/best friend understands that carbs ALWAYS put me in a better mood.

3) Books - Sounds lame, but go with me on this one. I've been going thru a literary dry spell as of late and I think I've finally snapped out of it! I just finished "The Time Traveller's Wife" (so, so, SO good) and I can't wait to get my hands on "The Lovely Bones". Oh God, I'm falling in love with books again.

4) Air Conditioning - The sound of our AC lulls me to sleep at night. I appreciate the cool atmosphere in my room.

5) My body - It is by no means perfect and yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds but God help me, I love my body today. It's got curves in flattering places and my skin is fairly soft and my boobs haven't gone totally south yet - so I appreciate the way my body is holding up. I have a woman's body.

6) Driving - I've always loved driving and I happen to know that I am a great driver. I really am. After driving for 5 years, I still like it. Sometimes I drive around aimlessly, listening to music and drinking a slurpee.

7) Kiki - She's so encouraging and never makes me feel like a dumb-ass for falling into a trap she warned me about. She just gives me a hug, prays it through with me and reminds me that we all make mistakes. Some more than others.

Wake Up

2008-07-09T09:36:00.003-06:00

I would just like to say, this song perfectly describes my life right now:

Take A Bow - Rihanna

You look so dumb right now,
Standin' outside my house,
Tryin' to apologize,
You’re so ugly when you cry,
Please, just cut it out.

Talkin’ 'bout girl,
I love you, you’re the one,
This just looks like a re-run,
Please, what else is on.

And don’t tell me you’re sorry 'cause you’re not
When I know you're only sorry you got caught
And the award for the best liar goes to you

Oh yes, it's angry. And so am I. I find it absolutely astonishing how some people behave. How can someone justify treating another person (a FRIEND, even) with such utter disregard and then have the gall to blame it on God?! "I'm just in a bad place right now/I need healing/God's working on my heart". Don't do that - don't you dare bring God into it. If you can't behave in a way that brings glory to God, don't you dare use His name to justify your behaviour.

I give a lot of grace to my friends. I've been given a lot of second chances and I feel it's only appropriate to give others the opportunity to make good. But I got duped this time. Again. Sorry guys - I need a second. Just allow me to do something important:

I trusted you - I gave you second, third, fourth, thousandth chances and each time I actually believed with everything in me that you would pull through - that you'd shape up. But the sad thing is - you never did. You played me and I hate you for it. I hate that I let you get so close, I hate that I let you know me, I hate that you read me so easily now - I hate being known by someone who so obviously doesn't know themselves. And I hate that you made me doubt myself - that you made me second guess my decisions. That you made me naive for a season. Because I'm not stupid, I'm not reckless and I'm not naive. And you know what? You don't know me. Not anymore. Cause you've never seen this side of me - the side that won't let you in anymore, won't let you near me, won't let you have an opinion about my life. The side that chooses ME over YOU. The side that decides to protect myself - because you so obviously aren't going to.

Welcome to the new side of me. Now get the hell out of my life.

For Becky (Jelly Bean)

2008-07-08T10:36:00.003-06:00

I love the way you faithfully read my blog.
I promise to faithfully update it more.

I love the way my friends get excited for you the way I do.
I promise to allow them to love you like I do.

I love the way you bring me coffee when I stay at your place.
I promise to cut down on the sugar and cream.

I love the way you and Paul are with each other.
I promise to refuse anything less.

I love the way you love Duncan (and this other Beating Heart).
I promise to love them too.

I love the way you laugh hysterically at my dumb ass stories.
I promise to always create those moments for us.

I love the way you take a bite of my cheeseburger every time.
I promise to never become a vegetarian.

I love the way you let me transition without resenting me.
I promise to always let you do the same.

I love the way you love God. Because I know you do.
I promise to always give you room to express that.

I love you Jelly Bean. My sister. My friend.

We're Still Havin' Fun ...

2008-06-17T13:23:00.003-06:00

I think the clouds are lifting - not to be cliche but I do feel as though I've been living under a pretty dark sky these past weeks. My breakup with Shayne coupled with a messy house, messy finances, and even messier emotions = cloudy with a chance of "holy-shit-things-have-GOT-to-get-better".

I had a spectacular weekend though! I slept a TONNE, started reading The Time Traveller's Wife (be still my beating heart, I've fallen in love with another book) and did laundry. I know - riveting. But what seems common-place to you is pretty much epic to me. I never have time to do the "mundane" things other people take for granted (grocery shopping, watching t.v., cooking, getting BORED) so when the opportunity presents itself - let's just say I'm all about it. Now that I mention it - I can't remember the last time I was bored. Oh man ... this life is making me crazy.

I had a scary moment last week. I was sitting quietly in my room drinking freezing cold red wine (apparently, not the way to go) and I had a thought. I pondered the crazy way my life has been going lately and how I've had no time to myself and then I had an idea: "I wish I could just check myself into the psych ward for a couple days just so I can get some rest". DING DING DING. Those would be alarm bells. Going off. In my crazy ass head.

So, welcome to my relaxing new life. I've still got a jam-packed 2 weeks ahead of me but I'm getting more rest and staying home more. God, I love having no money - it's such a great excuse to do nothing. Anyways - has anyone else ever had the thoughts I had?

Because It's More Than Just A Word

2008-06-09T13:59:00.002-06:00

I am love - throw me around like a casual Sunday
Give me away and steal me like candy
I'll push you, pull you, make and break you
You let me get so close - and you don't even know me

You let me define you and crawl up inside you
I'm feeding on feelings you think you understand
But you're mistaken, good friend, you know nothing at all
Not love, just lust or affection in a convincing mask

Use my name, lure those around you in
People love to hear my name in the same sentence as theirs
But before you know it, I've left you
Because I was never with you to begin with

You're angry now, like I masqueraded to hurt you
But you clothed me, you diguised me, you created me
And while you were busy being enchanted and misguided
I slipped from your broken hands without even moving.

You Know You're Right

2008-06-06T13:43:00.002-06:00

I've clearly been listening to too much Nirvana (is there such a thing?!). It's Friday (for those of you without a calendar) and that means one thing to me - a weekend full of questions and more questions - hopefully I can fit in a tan!! But seriously, this is probably going to be a difficult weekend in general. Shayne and I go to the same church so I'll be seeing him on Sunday - which I must admit, I'm dreading. I want to see him - to clear the air - but I know it's hard for him (and me) to interact at the moment. I feel like we're locked in a custody battle over friends and church - even though both of us are above that sort of thing. I just don't want to make things even harder for him - seeing as I'm walking around with all this guilt anyways, what's a little more?

Aside from that, I plan to delve into the epic love that is Pearl Jam and hopefully see some folks I've been neglecting lately. If your plans are better than mine (no doubt, they probably are) feel free to brag.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

2008-06-05T13:48:00.002-06:00

First of all - Shayne and I broke up or are taking a break or whatever - I haven't talked to him in a while so I don't know where we stand. That's going to make things this summer really awkward as we rsvp'd to 3 weddings together. So, I'm sad and I'm dealing with it and I really don't want to talk about it anymore, ok? Ok.

Aside from that, work and life are still the same. I am never home anymore (what is WITH these seasons I go through of never being home?!) so I miss my bunny like crazy - but apparently Muss is taking good care of her. This is shaping up to be a busy weekend - one of my friends is turning 27 in just under a month and I made him decide to do 27 things he's never done before his birthday. So making that list was good times - most of the things involve making him look like a total clown while I take pictures. Woohoo! Happy Birthday to him!

School is starting in a couple months and I couldn't feel more unprepared. I don't have the money, supplies or time at the moment - as scary as that is. So, I'm working on removing some of the clutter in my life to make more room for all the time part-time school is going to take up. I hope my friends understand that being a hermit is totally "in" cause they're never gonna see me.

I miss Tina like crazy - she's decided to stay in England until December (at the earliest) so that's another long season without her. She's been really supportive during my break-up with Shayne, so that makes me miss her more.

Oh, and Muss is a douche cause she never updates her blog.

The end.

It's Friday Night and I Just, Just, Just, Just, JUUUUST ... GOT PAID! (money money money money)

2008-05-23T13:14:00.002-06:00

It's here! AGAIN! So soon, my love? The weekend is here again and I'm practically convulsing. I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow after last night's drama. (*Read: 3 masked gunmen bursting into our drug dealing neighbour's apartment, dragging him outside and kidnapping him - followed by 5 cops - only one of which was fun* And no, I'm not kidding.)

My plans for the weekend include making a care package (very overdue!) for my sister, burning a couple c.d's and spending some great time with God and other loved ones. I stayed at Shayne's last night to avoid the terror of sleeping in our building - he woke me up at 4:30am saying "The phone's ringing …" It wasn't - he was dreaming. Needless to say, I could use a good night's rest.

Aside from that, I'll try to get my ass to the gym! Anyone else have any cool plans?

I've Got A Friend Who Loves Me ...

2008-05-12T09:51:00.000-06:00

A weekend of new faces! On Friday night I had a "girls night" with the beautiful and talented Meredith and Lisa. I love those girls. Anyways, we went to dinner and then to see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" (so so so good). I was standing in line just about to buy my tickets when I heard my man's hilarious laughter from the back of the line. I turned to see him, Damian (familiar face from Ireland) and some other boys that I had never met. Eventually I got to meet them and they were ALL from Ireland and were ALL lovely. Seriously. Shayne has excellent taste in friends. (So do I, by the way - my girls are second to none!).

THEN, Saturday night was mine (and Shayne's!) friend Jordan's birthday. So we went to a little dinner party at Brewsters. I finally got to meet Aaron - one of Shayne's good friends who I've been excited to meet for month. He too was lovely and friendly and made me feel very comfortable.

So I must say, nothin'-but-net on the meeting Shayne's friends thing.

Aside from that, the only exciting news is this: I have no plans. This whole week AND weekend until Holiday Monday, I have made absolutely no plans. This is beautiful. This is rare. This is not going to last long. But I shall enjoy it while it lasts -- nights at home with Prison Break, Scrubs, 3 channels and a roommate who rocks my world?

Here I come.

Walk Like An Egyptian

2008-05-05T12:25:00.003-06:00

The weekend was all too short and ill-spent. Don't get me wrong, I saw great friends and had a lovely time but spent far too much money and have nothing to show for it.

Aside from clean laundry. I have clean laundry.

My sister called yesterday and I felt a little grieved by the reminder that she's so far away. Most of the time I'm fine with her being gone but every once in a while I pine for her. I hope she's happy-ish.

Kiki got a new job and started it today! I'm really excited for her to be done at Sangsters - she deserves a nice boss who treats her well. One downfall : What the hell kind of cool stuff can she score me from Old Fashioned Foods?! What do they even have?! Sounds like a lot of nuts and vitamins to me.

Tonight we're having a BBQ for Shealagh's birthday! She turned 21 last week but was working all weekend so we couldn't celebrate. We're having the BBQ in Wascana Park which I've only done once so I'm stoked to experience it again. The guest of honour will be : Death By Chocolate. Dozens of canker sores and thousands of calories - HERE I COME!

I've concluded that "horse's-ass" is a tragically under-used insult.

Shiny Pink Fingerprints

2008-05-02T15:39:00.004-06:00

I was putting eye makeup on this morning using my finger and it looked like my finger was sparkly and pink. I kinda wish it was.

I'm lucky that I have so much love in my life that I find it hard to juggle my loved ones. A lot of people find it hard to fill their days - I find it hard to empty mine. It's a mixed blessing. But more blessing than curse.

Shayne shaved off all his facial hair just to show me how it would look - I hate it. I can't kiss him cause he looks 5.

I love bed so much that sometimes I think a coma would be a dream come true. But the problem is, I wouldn't be in the mental state to appreciate all the time I was getting to spend asleep. That - and bedsores.

When I drive and I'm expecting a call, I leave my phone on vibrate and rest it against my chin until it vibrates. I have no idea why.

The people in my office are bitter and against marriage - I still want to get married. Just not to them.

I've learned that knowing Shayne will make an excellent father far outweighs his knowledge of current events. Which, just between us, is a damn good thing.

My haircut only cost me $13 but it's two different lengths. I can't decide if the price makes up for the fact that the left side is longer than the right.

I'm addicted to http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

It Holds Me Together

2008-05-01T13:10:00.004-06:00

My hands are sticky. May I share why? I put glue on them. May I share why? Because I like it.

That's why.

Ever since I was little I've LOVED pouring Elmer's Glue all over my hands, waiting for it to dry and then peeling it off. This has progressed and continued into my professional life. I now smear envelope sealer on my finger tips and palms and peel it off. The best part? It takes forever to dry. In a word? Bliss.

Does anyone else do this?

Snippets That Make Conversations

2008-04-28T12:55:00.002-06:00

Important Things I've Heard Lately:

1) I'm proud of you (Mama)

2) I love you Baby J (Tina)

3) I think you're right (Gary)

4) You can do it Jen - of course you can. (Shayne)

5) We'll make it happen, don't worry. (Kiki)

6) We are pleased to welcome you to the Faculty of Social Work ... (U of R)

So far, 2008 is rocking my world.

Can't Stop This Thing We Started

2008-04-15T13:01:00.002-06:00

Some things have been on my mind and I'm assuming more will pop up as I write these ones down.

- At least once a day my boss asks me if I'm coherent before he starts explaining something to me. My 3 month review is at the end of this month. I wonder if I'll be coherent for all of that.

- I worry that I'm not the woman Shayne thinks I am. He sees all the best in me and sometimes I think to myself "I can't live up to this woman you see in me".

- Every time I read Kristy's blog it makes me want to write again. I wish I could write in a way that inspires others to sit down and pen random thoughts.

- I never want to live a life where I don't enjoy driving around late at night listening to alternative rock from the 90's.

- When I have kids and they move away from home, I will call them at least once a week. I never want my kids to miss me the way I miss my Mom.

- I like going to the gym because it's still a luxury. It's still "me time".

- Sometimes I think my farts are unnaturally loud.

- I wish I could be in a reproduction of Hairspray - I would only accept the role of Tracey.

Good For Nothing Tuesday

2008-04-08T09:20:00.003-06:00

Some Things I Hate:

1) People who drive 40km/h in the passing lane
2) Line-ups at the McDonalds drive thru the ONE TIME I need a chocolate milk shake
3) Getting my milkshake only to discover some ass clown made it half strawberry, half chocolate
4) People with no telephone manner (I answer and get "Tryg" and that's it. Not "Can I speak to Tryg" or "Is Tryg there" just his name. So I've taken to responding with "No, this is Jen" Gets 'em every time.
5) The sound of LoudGuy's voice (my co-worker)
6) Facebook Application requests
7) People who take artsy photos of themselves and then try to convince everyone that they're NOT vain, the photo just came out like that
8) The overuse of the term "You had me at hello"
9) The feel of chalk on my skin
10) Sticky keyboards

If I Had No Money Honey ...

2008-04-03T12:33:00.004-06:00

I've spent my morning hard at work (read: diving into MSN's Money & You artcle archives) learning about money - how/why/where we spend it. I have to admit, a self professed mis-manager of all things money related, I'm impressed. Normally an article about money would have me running for the hills (or devoting another 3.5 hrs to the miniclip.com website) but these articles were truly inspiring. One woman lives frugally and makes it work on $12,000 per annum. Confession: I make over $20,000 a year and even that doesn't seem like enough. Oh yeah, she's also 48 with a grown up daughter knee deep in wedding plans.

Recently I opened a Savings account - and promptly deposited $100 into it. Boy was I proud! It's still there - don't worry, I just checked. And next Friday, my bank will automatically transfer another $100 into Savings - lather, rinse and repeat for the next 11 months. Whoa - hang on. Am I on the road to financial stability? Weird ...

I've always wanted a Savings account but was never in the financial place to have on. Buried under credit card debt, I was lucky to pay the minimum payment on my Visa every month - at 24.5% interest, the struggle is understandable. Recently, I received a letter from my bank - I didn't open it right away because letters from financial institutions always scare me but when I eventually read the letter it said this: Due to consistent payment made by the due date, as of April 8th 2008, your interest rate will DECREASE by 5%.

NO. WAY.

Never have I received a positive letter from my bank. I'm sure the person typing it had tears in his eyes too. What a lovely affirmation. Within the next 3 months, I will have a $0 credit card balance, at least $700 in Savings (God willing) and fully paid bills.

Today, life is good.

Rumblings and Goings-On

2008-04-02T08:40:00.002-06:00

They have a court date tomorrow. Our drug dealing, door slamming, pot smoking neighbours, that is. While Muss and I can't afford the time off work to go down there and heckle, we're delighted (once again) at the prospect of them losing their apartment. Is that mean? No ... no one likes mini-bike riding drug dealers. At least not in Canada.

Tina comes home for a visit in less than two weeks!! Thinking of how close she'll be (if only for a while) makes me really happy. And a little sad cause I know she'll have to go back to England eventually. Did I mention that? My sister lives in England with my Mom and I miss her desperately.

The song "I Am Colour Blind" just came on - I haven't listened to this song since highschool - which was an alarming 6 years ago. This realization comes on the tail of a somewhat disturbing dream I had last night. I was reunited with a couple guys from my graduating class and we were shooting the proverbial breeze. In the end, one of them was promising to save me because a girl I used to work with had gone on a shooting spree. Are my daily worries manifesting themselves via violence in my dreams? This is the second time I've had a dream about being shot/shot at in the last few days. This may be cause for concern ...

How I'm Feeling Today

2008-03-14T12:26:00.002-06:00

A Little About Me

Full Name: Jennifer Leanne Gibson

Hometown: Medicine Hat, AB

Height: 5'5

Hair Color: Brownish ...

Eye Color: Dark brown

This or That

Coke/Pepsi: Coke please.

Cats/Dogs: Dogs!

BK/McD's: BK at the moment.

Paper/Plastic: Paper

Britney/Christina: Britney - believe it or not.

What's Your Dream...

Car: A Saturn Sky - in black.

Profession: Singer/guitar player, youth worker

Place: Jamaica, Mexico

Date: Mostly anything fun with Shayne

Paradise: Paradise would be ... happiness. Total happiness.

The Last Person To...

Say I Love You: Tasha texted me that today - but to say it? Shayne.

Hug You: Shayne

Kiss You: Shayne

Say Goodbye: Kiki

Text You: Muss

The Last Time You...

Cried: Last night

Laughed: This morning

Showered: Yesterday

Ate: 10 mins ago

Watched Cartoons: This weekend

Out Of The Seed Of Passion, A Vision Is Sown

2008-03-04T09:11:00.002-06:00

I'm scattered and a little distracted these days. I'm trying desperately to decide what I want to do with my life, how I want to spend my time and, what God requires of me to achieve these goals. I really want to go to school and so far, Medicine Hat is looking like my best option, but there's so much involved with that - moving, leaving my new (and awesome!) job, and of course, being away from the people I love. I'm praying for clarity and wisdom - and rational thought. I tend to make big decisions on a whim just to get them over with and I gotta say - that's never worked out well for me in the past.

I think I'm going to start praying for passion - because I really do believe that God's sows a vision out of a seed of passion. I need a more passionate life.

More Than Prayerful,
Jen

Education At The Library

2008-02-26T13:14:00.011-06:00

Andrea, Kiki and I went to see "Darfur Now" at the RPL this weekend. It was pretty amazing. I've always had a heart for Darfur, so it was awesome to see other people trying to do something for the cause. If you don't already respect Don Cheadle, George Clooney, and Governor Arnold you will after seeing this documentary. However, be prepared to despise the UN and the members of the Sudanese government who not only deny that what is occurring is genocide, they also HIRED and FUNDED (along with the US and China) the Janjaweed - the perpetrators of the atrocities in Darfur.

The documentary itself was heartbreaking and uplifting. I was enraged at the audacity of the UN, who refuses to acknowledge the genocide (props to the US for naming it so). While providing tonnes of food to refugee camps, the US makes sure to proudly mark their food bags with an American flag - that's right, make sure they know who to thank when it's all over. This display only feeds the dreams of the countless refugees who stated confidently to the cameras "The white men will come and save us. They will defend us" - we all know the truth is much more bleak. We're too busy pissing away millions of dollars and thousands of lives in Iraq - a war the US was arrogant enough to start and is now too proud to leave.

All I can say is thank God for the ending because the first hour or so was depressing. Reality usually is. But don't fret, the documentary doesn't portray Darfur as a "lost cause" but it does place the responsibility on our shoulders to take a stand for those who can't. To quote Don Cheadle "I don't know what we can do - but a lot more than nothing".

This weekend I think I might grab some friends and try and check out the Sunday double feature: "Lars and the Real Girl" (can't wait!) and "I'm Not There" (curiosity regarding a cross dressing Cate Blanchett). I'll let you know how that goes. In the mean time, start thinking of ways YOU can support the end to violence in Darfur.

More Than Wishing I Could Be In Darfur,
Jen

If You Step Up, I'll Step Up Boy

2008-02-21T12:42:00.003-06:00

Oh the battle has ended. It was bloody, and hilarious. It was bloody hilarious. I prevailed and brought not one, not two but 4 FRIENDS with me to Step Up 2 THE STREETS! Oh my Lord. It was awful. The dancing was amazing though - I'll give it that. But aside from that, I spent the whole movie wheezing and laughing hysterically with Muss. We sang, we chair danced and we most definitely annoyed the people in front of us.

It was pretty much abysmal. Pretty much. But the below music video is a comprehensive review of the amazing dance moves - check it out. There's no "acting" so you won't laugh as much as we did, but it's still cool.

More Than Dancing In My Chair,
Jen

The Art Of Showering

2008-02-19T09:14:00.003-06:00

I don't understand it. I simply can't wrap my mind around it. Why? Why does it always happen? It seems that every morning, 7 days a week, when I get up to have a shower, every single other person in the building has synchronized their shower time! I mean it! You're probably reading this thinking "Oh that Jen, she's just exaggerating - it can't be that bad!" Allow me to correct you, my friend. I can't think of the last time I had a shower that didn't involve squealing and screaming when the hot water would deplete to nothingness with absolutely NO warning. This morning was especially delightful as I was running late and just as I turned on the shower, so did Not-So-Hot-Doctor above me. For some reason, his need for hot water trumps my own and my shower turned to ice. Immediately.

So, the only logical thing for me to do was step out of the shower (read: throw myself through the shower curtain, on to the gripless bathroom mat and subsequently smash my body into the towel-less towel rack) and turn off all the cold water in hopes that some hot water will remain. I ended up with luke warm water (running only the hot tap) for about 35 seconds (just long enough to get shampoo in my eyes) until Not-So-Hot-Doctor decided he'd had enough and turned off his shower. Suddenly, what was luke warm turned scalding hot and what used to be skin, turned immediately to jerky.

I hate our shower. My hair is frizzy and my whole body hurts from hurtling out of the shower for the second time, only to find that my last exodus from the tub had left a menacing puddle on the floor where I happened to step. Awesome. Bruised, frizzy and traumatized from bathing.

So next time you take a shower, remember how lucky you are to have consistent hot water.

More than Frazzled,
Jen

I Love This Man

2008-02-18T11:25:00.002-06:00

Okay, caution : This post will be shamelessly lovey dovey. Just so you know. You can't complain and make fun of me now because I warned you.

Last night Shayne called me and had made a difficult decision - I'm not the easiest person to stand up to (so I've heard), so it must have been difficult for him to know he was going to disappoint me. I'm not going to go into details because there's certain things that don't belong in the blog-o-sphere, but trust me - this was a difficult conversation for us to have. The basic idea is Shayne decided that to honour me and put me first in the way that he wants to - some things in our relationship need to change. I've never had a guy respect me so much and put me first - so I was totally freaked out. Totally.

Shayne is like ... this perfect, awesome guy that every girl would love to be with. He opens my car door for me, won't let me pay for anything, buys me flowers constantly, never stops telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am and he really, truly wants to show me how much he appreciates me and wants to respect me. Sometimes it causes me to pull away from him because I'm not sure how to let him love me that way.

And some of you will be glad to know (Tina), he takes NO CRAP from me. None. He calls me on all my shit and doesn't let me play games - but he does it in this way that isn't patronizing or obnoxious ... he just loves me and knows me so well already that he feels comfortable exposing all my little issues and loving me through them. It's unsettling being known so well by someone -that kind of vulnerability has never been sought out by me - I don't like being "known" because then I've got no control. And in this relationship, man ... Shayne is way more in control than I am. But I trust him ... I trust that he's leading me somewhere I want to go ... somewhere I need to go. I think I need someone like him to show me how I deserve to be loved. And if anything, these days ... I feel loved.

More than Mushy,
Jen

Music Meets Dancing

2008-02-17T01:25:00.002-06:00

The concert was incredible. My favourite part? (Aside from Muss noticing our manly waitress and saying "It's nice to see Hilary Swank is getting some work") When the lead singer played his electric guitar with HIS TONGUE. Oh my Lord. He then also played it with a drum stick. Lord help me - I would kill to be that talented. We weren't allowed to take pictures but I doubt the image will ever leave my mind anyways.

We then decided to rent "Step Up" and Muss bought "Take the Lead". That's right folks - music meets dancing at our apartment tonight. I'll keep you posted on my battle to make someone go see "Step Up 2" or "Meet the Spartans" with me tomorrow.

More Than Going To Prevail,
Jen

Open Windows

2008-02-16T13:12:00.007-06:00

It's mid afternoon and I am in the best mood. I've got all of the windows open in our apartment and am loving the smell of melty snow. I think I'll put some tunes on.... Bummer. I hate putting the sattelite radio on in anticipation of some good music and hearing Avril Lavigne wailing at me that I make her so HOT. Ugh.

Today is going to be an awesome day.

Kiki and I are going to the Warhol exhibit at the Gallery and then maybe some light shopping and then .... Wide Mouth Mason!! I'm so excited to go to this concert with Muss! From what I can tell, we got pretty decent seats - not to mention I've never really been to a concert. It will be a cool experience for sure.

This past week at work was pretty awesome - there's tons that I've done wrong and had to go back and fix but nothing major. Best part of my week? Making my boss laugh so hard that he had tears in his eyes. Ah yes ... this is the place for me. Also, I got beautiful Valentine's flowers from Shayne, not to mention a c.d. and a beautiful card. Awww. I know, I'm a dork. Whatever.

I also went on a Shopping Spree that I most definitely could NOT afford. But I got some nice clothes - pictures to come. So I'm trying to push past Buyer's Remorse and just enjoy my new items (that include 3 of the coolest bras known to man). Wow, this post is all about NOTHING. Sorry guys.

Anyways, enjoy this beautiful Saturday - and this long weekend!!! I know I will.

More than Poor From So Much Shopping,

Jen

Valentine's, Teddy Grahams and Other Random Thoughts

2008-02-14T12:35:00.002-06:00

So ... it's almost the end of my first week alone at my job. And hey, I still love it. I've managed to complete most of the tasks at least ONCE without error and sometimes, without questions! The guys at my job have been so helpful and surprisingly tolerant of my simple questions. I'd be lost without these lads. Just thought I'd update you. Tomorrow is my first payday from this job - it's the same amount of money for only 7 days work at 14 days at any of my other jobs. I can't wait until I get a paycheque for a full two weeks.

I have recently re-discovered Teddy Grahams. Lord, the joy these little guys have brought to my life over the years. I am eating them now and I am blissed out because of it.

Today is Valentines and I am considerably more excited about it than I was last year. I think it's because I have Shayne but also because I'm not in Dublin. That always helps. I still don't understand the big deal that gets made out of it - but I'm willing to admit I'm excited to spend some time with Shayne today in particular. We've been seeing eachother every couple days lately and it's made me very ... happy. Giddy, almost. We laugh a lot and I spent a good 20 mins last night trying to convince him that I really AM a Kung Fu Master. He laughed really hard and totally didn't believe me. Bastard.

Aside from that, just wanted to wish you guys a Happy Valentine's Day and if you want to know the true, romantic story behind this day - talk to Tasha.

More than Valentine'd,
Jen

American Politics and Brussel Sprouts

2008-02-10T11:54:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with my sister. Who doesn't love this girl? She's not only a stone cold fox, BUT, she's also wicked smart. We talked about American Politics and finished our conversation with the usual "I love you's" while Tina chowed down brussel sprouts. WILLINGLY. We both are amused that we know more about U.S. politics than Canadian. Although, I suppose I'd be a lot more interested in Canada's government if it was as fraught with scandal and mis-management as the U.S. is.

I have started a new job since I last posted. I've been there all of 7 days and I'm already nervous and dreaming about it every night. The past week has been dedicated to training - but seriously, there's so much to know that I could have used another month. At least. I was telling Tina, this is the first job I've ever had that I feel uses ALL of my brain and training. It's not mindless in any way and that's terrifying to me. I just don't want to mess this up - the benefits and pay are outstanding but there's so much responsibility. Like Tina said, I think I really will be earning every penny I make.

Aside from my new job, there's not much else going on. Our apartment finally feels complete with the hand-me-down dresser (for my room!) and loveseat we had given to us. It's warmer and homier - so we both love that. It's still an unsightly mess but that's to be expected. We should be used to it by now.

I'm toying with the idea of heading to England for a couple weeks this summer ... not sure if I'll be able to afford it or if it's even a good idea given how new I am at my job ... but we'll see. Hopefully I can make it work cause I miss my girls!!

More than Flu-Like,
Jen

Ding Dong Merrily On High ... I'm Updating My Blog

2007-12-10T12:01:00.000-06:00

Happy Holidays!! I'm home for Christmas for the first time in 2 years!! I am discovering with every passing day how much I hate the bloody snow. I hate it. I despise it. And I am apparently determined to wear sandals until my toes fall off from frost bite. So I'm cold a lot. I haven't blogged in over a month - and to be honest, I haven't even noticed. I've been so busy with work and moving into my new place that luxuries like blogging and ... well ... bathing have been far from my mind. (Only half of that is true.)

So, I'm all moved into my new apartment with Muss ('bout time!) and we're loving it so far! It keeps getting more and more "home-y" as we acquire more and more used furniture. Yay! Everything in this house has been passed down by some generous soul who either felt bad for us, or just wanted to clean out their basement. Either way, we totally scored some awesome stuff.

Since returning from Ireland, I still feel like there's not enough hours in the day. I sleep a lot because of my work schedule but I can't seem to rest. I know God is on the move BIG TIME in me, but resting in Him seems near impossible. There's a lot going on in my life that is pushing me towards prayer (a new relationship, work, family etc) so I find myself constantly trying to squeeze in time with the Lord. Even when I do manage, it feels so rushed that I come away feeling guilty and frustrated. I'll have to start planning my time better.

That's about it for now - that's my life. Blessed ... so very blessed ... but so busy. I'll try to update semi-regularly now. But no promises. Hey, if the Lord can't have my time, neither can you!

More than Jolly,
Jen

New Job, New Apartment, New Joy

2007-10-27T04:35:00.000-06:00

Right now I'm at work. I'm sitting in the kitchen, waiting for my 3rd batch of cookies to be done. I know - how very "Suzy Homemaker" of me. But don't worry - I'm sure I'll burn something soon. Since returning to Canada, I've noticed my life take a brand new shape. It's fuller - more ... rounded. That's right, my life is now fat.

I've started a new job and I love it. I work at a Private Care Home for Seniors and it' s probably the best job I've ever had. I work 11pm-7am, 5 days a week. Basically while the residents are sleeping, I check on them, back them cookies/cakes/pies etc and watch t.v. (or peruse Facebook when Kiki lets me bring her laptop to work). My boss is this beautiful eccentric woman who truly loves what she does - she makes this fun. She really cares about her staff too - she lets us wash our scrubs at work, have our friends come over to help us bake and she tells us she loves us. Yes, my life is so hard.

I am also moving from Shelley's into an apartment with Muss. I can't believe the day is finally here that Muss and I will actually be living together. It's exciting for a thousand different reasons but really - we just can't believe we're actually going to do it. We've paid a deposit so there's no turning back now. There's just so much to do!

I'm working a lot right now - 17 hours a day to be exact. So when I'm not working, I am sleeping blissfully in Shelley's basement and trying to squeeze in time with my girls. It's hard not seeing them whenever I want, but I can't help but remind myself - "It will be worth it on payday!"

So that's it for right now, I am just learning to be mature with money, trying to re-establish myself in my church and my family and ... well ... learning to strive for more.

Is this what growing up feels like? ... Huh ....

More than Pondering ,
Jen

Things I Love

2007-10-05T11:05:00.000-06:00

In keeping with my last post, I've decided to make another list. This time, Things I Love - trust me, I AM going somewhere with this.

I Love ...

1) When I hug the dog and can still smell my Mom's perfume on the top of her head - I love knowing she gets loved so much that she permanently smells like Mom.

2) When Tina gets "the after dinner giggles" and pinches my face and goes a little crazy.

3) Waking up at 2am cause Muss has texted me with some ridiculous detail about her day.

4) Looking in the mirror right before I finish getting ready for a girls night out - my Mom always comes up behind me and tells me how beautiful I am.

5) MY NEW STRAIGHT HAIR!!

I know it's a short update but we're heading out to get fish and chips (pizza for me!) and I don't have enough time for a long one. I'm sure my ever-growing readership will be more than understanding.

More than Hungry,
Jen

13 Things That Are New

2007-09-25T07:49:00.000-06:00

Okay I am only giving myself 13 minutes to complete this post (including sign-in/sign-out time) cause I need to clean this house before Tina gets here! Woo! Thanks for coming to visit Tina -

Mom's working and I'm cleaning. Awesome.

** Since I last posted ... **

1) I have developed a love for Carrie Underwood that I thought I would be ashamed to admit to - but I am delighted to report that I'm not. She's great - and very talented, if not a little twangy.

2) I have developed a terrible case of Sciatica. Ouch.

3) I won money at the dog races and solidified my desire to get into addictions counselling.

4) I have hated army wives, despised army wives and had my faith restored in army wives in the space of a week. (Full explanation to come, when I'm not being timed)

5) I bought my first Ireland souvenir that's just for me and no one else.

6) I discovered that I am arriving back into Regina (via Calgary/Med Hat) on the exact day we left for Ireland 2 years ago - October 13th. Eeerie.

7) I am running out of time.

8) I've helped my Mom set up TWO MP3 players in the space of 2 days and she's returned both. Cause she wants an iPod.

9) I told her to get an iPod in the first place and she didn't listen. Argh.

10) I've laughed harder than I have in a long time with the girls.

11) I rolled down a hill - it's been years and the dog definitely didn't appreciate this little detour in our daily walk.

12) I learned "Amazing Grace" on guitar

13) I found out that my stepdad hung out with Ewan McGregor in Iraq yesterday. (A little extra info - totally didn't remember how hot Ewan is until I saw this picture)

That's it, whew! Almost didn't make it! Now, a few pictures and we're done.

More than 13 Minutes Later,

Jen

Reunited

2007-08-10T05:26:00.000-06:00

I found my cousins on Facebook. The ones I love the most and miss terribly - I found them! This is more exciting than you guys will know - I haven't spoken to them in ages and I haven't really made much of an effort to re-enter their lives. You know how sometimes you stay away for fear that you love them more than they love you? I should have known better - they love me too. And I bet if I asked them, they'd say they always have.

Man, I've missed my brothers.

More than Overjoyed,
Jen

Look Alive People! Look Alive!!!

2007-07-29T09:47:00.000-06:00

Okay okay, sorry about the "slit-my-wrists-depressing" last post. And thanks to my amazing friends who are so encouraging and incredibly hot. Here's something a little less Debbie-Downer (10 points and a Coke Slurpee if you get the reference). I am now totally hooked on Grey's Anatomy. Seriously, I get excited, I cry, I laugh, I get angry (though not as angry as Tasha, who seems to lose her mind at least 12 times during every episode!) and I love it. I was determined not to give in but once I saw one episode, I was just done. AND, whenever it's on here, it's a double-bill so we get 2 episodes. Man, this is the life.

We also got a new couch yesterday (pics to come)!! Apparently the old one was the source of my new bed-bug bites, so our landlord ponied up a new one. Yeah, it's a futon. Whatever though, can't complain much cause it's brand new and free. So woo hoo!

I discovered some old pictures from last year on Kiki's digi-cam so they're up on my Facebook. AND, check out this cute picture from when Tasha's friend (and now MY friend) Marcelle came to visit! Isn't she a doll?! ISN'T MY HAIR JUST STUPID LONG?!

Another little piece of news is the 2 other girls in my department gave notice on Friday. Yeah, they're done at the end of the month, leaving me with 15 guys. I am now the ONLY source of estrogen in my whole department (and if you know anything about my hormone imbalance, that's not saying much!). It will be interesting to say the least ...

That's all I got for now, so I am going to pepper this post with some pictures and then head home for Shealagh's home made Bandera bread!!!

More than Stoked for BP's like food,
Jen

I Haven't Been Myself Lately...

2007-07-19T11:32:00.000-06:00

So, things are crazy and it's hard not to get discouraged. Work has been uncomfortable since the week I started - I won't go into detail because it's unnecessary, but I've had some trouble with a couple of the guys on my team. I feel like I can't rest with the situation hanging over me like a giant reminder of my past. I haven't done anything I regret ... but I hate that I considered it. I'm not as strong as I think I am ... and it's good that I learned this now before returning to Canada thinking I've got it all together.

Waiting for "him" is hard ... especially when I thought I had found him ... it's stupid and I hate being one of those girls who blogs about her "nowhere to be seen future husband" but I need to write it out of my system. So, here it is. I feel him ... I can sense him - not in a physical way but in my soul. I ache for him - not just to find him but to pray for his protection, for his heart - I ache to pray him out of the situations I know he's facing. And I can't see him anywhere. I'm not even looking anymore because I know I'll just know it when we meet - but I'm discouraged by being surrounded by jack-ass guys all day who turn guy-girl relationships into something so perverse that it makes me sick. I'm starting to lose hope. Not that he's out there and not that I'll find him - I'm losing hope that he'll be what I want him to be when I actually find him.

What if he's just a huge disappointment ? What if he's just like the others ... ?

More than Overanalyzing This Situation,
Jen

Sorry for the lack of Postage

2007-07-15T10:43:00.000-06:00

I've been mental busy with work and the girls and living an extremely non-busy life - so I haven't posted much. And I'm lazy. Really lazy. So here's some pics of recent events - maybe if I post enough pictures you won't notice the serious lack of content on my blog. Maybe.

Okay .. nevermind - the PC I'm on won't let me post pictures today ... so we'll have to do it another day. Sorry everyone - cause I know you were really excited and all.

More than hoping this works next time,
Jen

New Job, Less Rain, Hot Internet Shop and Girls I Miss

2007-06-22T07:16:00.000-06:00

Honestly, are they AGAINST opening the door in this place?! There's one tiny little fan circulating the stifling air in this whole net shop. Bah. Anyways, it's not nearly as rainy today - it's muggy and very still - and the sky is dark. Tutt, tutt looks like rain. Of course.

I went for my job interview at The Bank yesterday - it was brutal. The position is the manager of the whole IT department. I've never worked in IT. I know nothing about IT. I am the most under qualified person for this job. And yet they still hired me - for far more than I'm worth. I swear - they must have been desperate. But somehow all my customer service experience = 10 years experience in management and IT. I just don't get it. I mean, thank the Lord for my job - absolutely - but by the time they train me, I'm gonna be leaving the country. Of course, they don't know that. By the sounds of things they think I'm a lifer. Anyways, yeah - I got a new job and it's great. I just have no idea what I'm doing and I start Monday.

Whew. At least the whole interview thing is over. The whole process took an hour and a half (because he was so impressed, he called his colleague to come meet me and I had to explain my experience all over again...) and by the time it was over we were talking about dress code and cell phone usage. Nice. In the end, it's great - I got the first job I interviewed for. No more interviews for me. But I do have to wear a suit every day. 2,000 thumbs DOWN for that. I look like Tommy Callaghan in a suit. (10 points to anyone who gets the reference).

I'm signing out now cause Shealagh is looking bored. Will update later this weekend if I can think of anything gripping to say.

More than Sarcastic Today,
Jen

Here Comes The Sun ... Doo doo doo doo ...

2007-06-20T10:10:00.000-06:00

First of all - SORRY! I know it's been like 2 weeks since I updated but being in Regina kept me extremely busy. And Facebook. Facebook is ruining my life - I swear. Okay so .... the wedding was epic, as were both convocations! The girls were stunning at all 3 events and we had so much fun. Tina and I fought like crazy (cause that's what we do) and I spent a good 2 weeks driving Shelley and her busted ankle around! It was awesome though - we got to bond over perms and shopping and so many lunch dates that I am worried my pants won't fit anymore. My Dad was so good to all us girls at the wedding - aside from when he made me polka with him for 7.5 minutes. The dress, the shoes and the hair all came together nicely - although I think I've exceeded my "girly quotient" for the rest of the year. I will wait until my wedding day to get that dressed up again.

Aside from those 3 big events, I spent a lot of time with friends. I did coffee with my favourite Steve (buy his c.d. from me or I'll never hear the end of it), coffee with Belinda and Vonda (my favourite church ladies) and dinner with Denno, Ghia, Tina/Muss/Kris/Shay, and a bunch of other people you guys don't care about. So, I am interviewing for 2 jobs this week - one is a management position and the other one ... I have no idea. I just said I'd go. Either way, I'm broke and need to find work soon. Prayers would be appreciated.

As for now, Shealagh is here and we are doing our best to get her accustomed to life in Dublin. Of course it's raining like crazy today - just in time for a shining first impression. My flights were long and boring but safe - just how I like 'em. And I met a cute boy in the Toronto airport - but more about that later.

I'm tired and jet lagged so that's it for today - keep an eye out for future posts with stories I will try to conjure up at some point.

More than Lagged,
Jen

The Surprise!

2007-06-02T12:03:00.000-06:00

So I'm here in Regina, SK and everything is going really well! The surprise for Tina went off without a hitch - we both bawled and even after countless slip-ups over the 7 months preceding the surprise, she had NO IDEA I was going to be in Canada. So AMEN! Woo hoo! The flights were actually really good - for some reason the flight from Dubs to Toronto was only 5.5 hours long - so I was delighted about that! I cried when I saw a Pontiac Sunfire on the way to my hotel in TO - it's strange what sparks emotion hey?!

So right now Muss and Kris are in Edmonton at the Police concert and Tina and I are going to spend our weekend shopping for wedding accessories and maybe hitting up Mosaic. It's been so lovely to spend time with just her - I can't believe how much I've missed her. I can't believe how much this place means to me. God has really blessed me with the ability to even go on this trip and I am determined to squeeze every little moment out of it.

Hope you are all well - for those of you in Ireland - I miss you but not so much the country and for those of you everywhere else - I just miss you. Will upload some pictures from the airport and the surprise soon.

More than Happy to be Here,
Jen

The Trip So Far ...

2007-05-26T17:04:00.001-06:00

Mom and Kiki dancing to "It's Raining Men" before we left for the pub. My Mom is probably the cutest person alive.

Tasha, Mom and Kiki (and Mya trying to jump in) posing for a lovely photo shortly before leaving.

Kiki and I. I'm starting to think that every picture taken of us ends up looking exactly the same - we've just changed outfits.

Kiki and Tasha. I guess we took a whole ton of pictures before leaving the house. None of them are really all that interesting but hey, that's the deal with photo journals.

This has to be the last one cause the camera died as I was uploading the photos. There are more where we've actually left the house and gotten to the pub - I promise, there was dancing and darts. There was even daylight. I'll try to upload them tomorrow. Anyways, that's all for now!

More than Exhausted from Uploading,
Jen

Tanning, Laughing and 1 Very Lucky Little Girl

2007-05-25T01:52:00.000-06:00

So far our trip has been fabulous! We've laughed so much that my stomach hurts today and we did some tanning (I fell asleep in the sun cause I like 3rd degree sunburns) so I am a lovely shade of raw chicken. Yesterday we went to the market and bought a whole ton of fresh fruit and vegetables (later to be eaten with chips, vanilla ice cream and Pepsi) and Tasha and my Mom went on huge bender shopping sprees. It was lovely to see them both so delighted with all of their new clothes. Tonight we are going to "The Grapevine". It's a pub in these here parts and it's legenday - apparently this is the place to go if you want to feel good about yourself due to the large amount of trashy and unstable people that gather there. Nice huh? I'll just remove my "Christian Missionary" badge and put it over here with my back issues of Humanity Today...

There is one story I am putting off telling for I fear it paints me in a bad light. Please keep in mind it was very hot, I was very tired and she was REALLY asking for it. When we finally arrived at our gate (after the cross country trek from one side of the airport to the other) we noticed it. The yelling. The screaming and crying. HER. I glanced around to find who/what was making this tremendous fuss and I saw this little girl with shock blonde hair, tear stained eyes and her mouth open mid scream. She was about 4 years old and she was in my bad books immediately. As we were lining up to board the plane, she got louder and louder - she wasn't just crying beause she was upset, she was scream-whining "Mooooooom!!!!!! NO!!!!!!" over and over again. And her Mom simply stood there ignoring her and occasionally throwing a "Ssshh!" over her shoulder while she talked to her friend.

My skin was crawling and the blood was rushing to my face - I was so angry and so determined that the offending child would be sitting nowhere near me. I watched in horror as the other passengers cleared a space around them so no one had to be near that child. When they finally got on the plane, we had a blissful 2 minutes of silence before we too had to board. Of course, when I got on, I met eyes with the one other person in the world as livid as I was at that moment and she said (very loudly and while looking directly at the offending toddler) "I'm trying to get away from THEM, but they've just moved closer to me!!" I just said "Yeah ... I know ... " (I mean, what else can you say right?)

Please let me explain why I was so enraged in point form:

1) We were raised to not throw tantrums. If we EVER behaved like that in public, we'd only do it once.

2) I don't think ignoring your child when she's throwing a tantrum in a public place is the way to go about it. Discipline her for crying out loud - scold her! Do something but don't just stand there while your kid screams herself hoarse infront of 100 middle aged and easily annoyed passengers. I'm not a parent, so I don't know the whole story but this was one of those situations where you know the Mom just doesn't care/want to deal with it and the kid is just being a brat because she's used to getting her own way.

3) I wanted to say something but couldn't. That made me the most mad. It wasn't my place (as everyone else was already leaning over to comment on the child) but I so wish it was. My Uncle Geoff is terribly funny and mild mannered but he told me a story once where he was in line to pay for some groceries at Safeway when the child infront of him threw an epic tantrum. The mother stood there and did nothing to stop her kid from freaking out in a line of people and so my Uncle leaned over to her and said "Listen, are you going to discipline him or should I?" She immediately dealt with the situation and all was fine.

This little girl enraged me. I've never felt so much anger towards a child in my life. And her mother ... well, let's just say - actually, let's just not say. It's safer that way. In any case, my iPod served me well on the flight so I couldn't hear her screaming and crying like Linda Blair mid exorcism. Needless to say I glared at her mother when we met eyes at the arrivals gate and she stared back, defiant and proceeded to tie her daughter to the stroller with one of those kid leashes. Strollers have wheels lady, and you didn't lock them first. Classy parenting guys - learn it here.

More than Judging Something I Know Nothing About,
Jen

Quick Quick Quick!

2007-05-23T12:21:00.000-06:00

Okay I am sick of being in this internet shop with the screaming baby, complaining Polish girl and that "smell" that's so strong you can practically SEE it, so this update will be speedy. We head out tomorrow morning so I should really be at home packing right now. Alas, I am a Crimmins so I am leaving it until the very last minute. Today (the wonderous last day of work) was tremendous! I actually got tons done and didn't leave my lovely boss with any mounds of paperwork to deal with.

I really don't have anything of substance to say so ... oooh! Here's something productive! If you're checking out my blog you've obviously got some spare time on your hands so ... go check out http://www.stephenjameslarsen.com or look him up on Youtube and watch his kick ass videos. Go show some support for our local talent guys. You heard it here first.

Also if you're putzing around (and have already taken my advice by leaving Steve an encouraging note on his Myspace or, (Lord help you), his Facebook) you can read about what's going on in Darfur. Show some support for ending the genocide folks! Visit www.savedarfur.org and sign a petition, donate some funds or even buy a shirt at www.cafepress.com that somehow helps by advertising the need ON YOUR PERSON. Love it.

Anyways, I'm done now. So take good care and look out for a post about my Mom and the adventures we will be having with her.

More than Using World Events and Steve Larsen as Filler,
Jen